Rewiring my Neural Code

Okay so I love freezing cold water. My work has gotten a new ice machine, what a blessing. I have been doing fantastic with my water. I have a big jug at work that I am refilling, which is getting my butt out of my chair at work randomly! I have been gobbling ice water down. It could be the weather here has been intermittently 100+ and every fat person knows that is the time we hunker down by the air conditioning and hug our fan. I have been having some health problems. My cycles are really messed up. I have had massive cramps for the past couple of weeks. It has left me doubled up on the couch and taking pain pills. If you don’t know what this is like, let me say that heat and pain and work don’t feel good at all. Nor do they make you want to write or be productive at all. So I haven’t updated this blog, but here is what I am working on now.
Think differently. This is my challenge this week. I am just now this week trying to change the way I look at food. As a child, my family didn’t have a lot of money. So when we did something right, going out was a treat. So when I am upset, happy, get good news, bad news, whatever, I want to eat out. This is what I equate to treating myself. My fiancé has the same problem, so together we self medicate with all the wrong things. Sometimes I eat a quarter pounder because his ass has had a bad day. You can see how this can get a little out of hand. I mean seriously, how many times can “Oh, you’ve had a bad day-want taco’s?” work?
Together we have been discussing how fast food has made us feel. After a week of eating healthy food, I went out and got fast food. I had such stomach pain. Brad and I have so many health problems connected to our weight, and I am just beginning to understand why we do it. It is this misguided idea that if someone else prepared our food it is a treat. The new rule is -only if it is Giada, the Barefoot Contessa, or maybe Oprah’s chef. That would be special.
The funny thing is some of my favorite foods are really good for you, but I don’t turn to them. For instance, when I have a bad day, why don’t I say, man, I deserve my favorite Brussels sprouts? If I had to choose a last meal it would be my Grandmothers Brussels sprouts, my Mom’s pork chops with mushroom gravy, or Aunt Nicole’s avocado salad. I mean, none of my favorite foods are fast foods.
I have decided I am not going to settle for fast. This is what I am finding stinks about me. I suck at taking care of me. I really do, and sadly Brad and I suck at taking care of each other. We need to slow down and really start taking steps to do that. One of my favorite kitchen experiences I enjoyed a couple of months ago. We went to the farmers market and bought four different kinds of mushrooms, some white wine, and some Arborio rice. We then brought it all home and sat all the ingredients out on the counter. We slowly chopped the individual mushrooms while Brad told me what the mushroom guy said about each one, because I forget, and it was fun to anticipate what they would feel like in our mouths, and how each one would taste different from the other. Then we slowly took turns stirring the stock into the rice and the wine slowly soaked into the little individual rice beads, and I found that I knew what was happening. I had a sixth sense about it. I could tell when it needed liquid and when it was done. We touched each other in the kitchen. He hugged me: I patted him. We kissed between chopping. We talked between kissing. Just one elegant dish and when we got done, we felt accomplished. We felt brave, and we felt really together. I can tell you what we did not do: run to the bathroom in pain or giggle because we farted. We didn’t wolf it down because that is what you have to do with fast food– eat it like you’re drunk and need to soak up the +alcohol.
I don’t know why I can’t see this on a more day to day level. Why do my choices not jive with how I really feel and what will make me feel good? I need to know how I can remind myself daily that cooking for myself is a treat. It is a celebration of Brad and what I deserve. I need to be really good to me, like putting on a clay mask, giving myself a pedicure or taking a bath. These are all special things I take time to do for myself. So this is what I am working on.

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