Cheating

Okay so I came to a realization that no matter how simple it seems was really hard to swallow: I smoke whenever I damn well please.
This Saturday night was one of those magical Saturday nights when a married woman puts on heels and wears a tiny purse and feels pretty. It was my best friends birthday and that was her plan all along. I was so excited and the night really didn’t disappoint. We went to this restaurant here in Boise called Barbacoa. It is an extravagantly decorated dim restaurant with actual paintings on the wall and sculptures over the tables. We sat next to a glamorous fireplace under a massive chandelier that looked like meringue. They make the best guacamole at your table, and martini’s in glasses made of ice. This was fancy. Great food, great atmosphere, and great conversation.
I smoked. Yep. I mean real cigarettes. I smoked a lot that night. I mooched off my friends. We were outside enjoying a smoke together and my friend said, “I thought you weren’t smoking anymore.”
I replied, “Oh, I am drinking, I am going to smoke when I drink, or maybe it is because it is the weekend or maybe it is because…”
I stopped and thought about it, then I said, “I guess that means I just want too. I am smoking because I want to.”
Both of my smoking friends just nodded at me and took puffs off their own, but it really hit me. It is me who makes that decision, not the smokes, not the stress, and definitely not the people who piss me off. Although it may feel like that a lot, I am the only one who makes the decision to smoke or to puff on my electronic smoke or to not at all. I think I made a small break through. It may seem simple, like I should have realized this before, but I don’t think addiction is anything simple. I would tell myself anything to be able to smoke with my girls that night, it it wasn’t about the friendship either. I had my electronic smoke on me. I just wanted a flipping smoke. I smoked it. It is all me. I just have to sit with that for a while and let this new realization sink into my thick skull.

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