extremely personal

When you have a blog, particularly about your health like this one, it can sometimes seem like diary entries. I don’t want this to feel like that, but I want to be me spewing how I feel. Health unfortunately is tied to your emotions much of the time, and especially when you have PCOS. This is the first thing I want to talk about is my PCOS, Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome, which is what has been plaguing me lately. When the first doctor told me I had PCOS, they made it sound like it is no big deal, PCOS meh, all you have to do is lose weight. Each subsequent doctor has done the same thing. The only thing you need to do is lose weight. Lose weight. That’s all I have been told over and over. Well Duh.
Here are the things that should have been said before I was almost 300 pounds. PCOS is severe in the way it WILL lead to both diabetes and heart disease if you don’t get it under control. There pretty much is a certainty to it. The other thing you should know is that PCOS makes it extremely hard to lose weight. Because you are insulin resistance losing weight is not only the uphill battle it normally is, it leaves you without shoes in 10 feet of snow. The last and final thing PCOS does, and this is the most important thing someone should have explained to the younger me, is that your period will come and go as if it owns your body. It will stay away for a couple of years or it will sit with you for months on end. Usually when it does stay with you it is so heavy you want to pass out every time you go to the rest room. You will have so many pelvic exams it will feel as if you should charge admission.
All of that is really getting to me. So this is where I am at health wise. Aunt Irma has come and visited likes she owns my body for a little over 6 months, more on than off. I am quitting smoking so that puts me slightly on edge as well. I have cried everyday the past two weeks except today, and the day is still young. One day this week, I cried from the moment I woke up until I went to bed. I know that sounds crazy. Literally crazy. I get that. Which is why I have consented to go on antidepressants. I feel weak and it is totally against my nature to do this, but I have before and it helped. My doctor pretty much insisted, could be because I cried the entire visit to her office. I cry and don’t understand why I am crying. I don’t want to leave the bed in the morning. I actually stayed home from work two days this week. I guess I am literally depressed. Think doctors, all I need to do is lose weight, good luck with that when dragging your ass out of bed as a physical activity seems impossible.
Believe it or not this happens once or twice a year for me. I have a wonderful life, don’t get me wrong. I have a wonderful husband, good paying job, own my own home, and family and friends. Problem is and I believe that this is the problem for a lot of the women in my family, I grew up in a culture of self sacrifice. My family grew from an Oklahoma misnomer of toughness. You don’t ask for help because that means that you can’t handle the weight of what you are dealing with. You don’t want to be needy. I don’t want to be needy. I don’t want to seem like I need anything. So, if I do get up the guts to ask for help it usually is a plea horribly worded and not at all clear. I usually mask it in something that seems smaller than it is, so no one understand. Then…it is even worse if I ask for help and then don’t get it. I become unmerciful, as if it is the friend/families fault they can’t give it, when in reality, I have probably surrounded myself with people who can’t give help, or don’t realize I need it. So this is the reason I have yelled at and pushed away everyone who loves me right now except my husband. And he is unbelievably patient and kind. Here is are two tips to take away:

1. if you have alienated everyone, maybe you should look at yourself.
2. When someone is upset, please don’t invalidate that by telling them they shouldn’t be upset because that will make it worse, and you may not ever have a chance to tell them they are important to you.
So I am going to take these pills and hopefully this will allow me to be more patient with people, and more importantly myself. I hope that I can repair these relationships and can continue to be healthier.
So far the smoking thing is going well. I have only cheated on myself a couple of times. Some days I go hours without wanting them. I am slowly working toward good health. Once I feel confident in the no smoking, I will start losing weight. Right now we are eating healthy when we can. So things are slowly improving with my willpower. I am working on it. It is hard. This is what I want to get out there to people because I don’t want people to feel inferior because that is what the media and the doctors think. Meh, just lose weight. Meh, just quit smoking. Meh, just make yourself different. It isn’t easy. I consider myself pretty tough. I have lived through tough things, but this feels like a fight for my life.

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