When I want it more than I want health?

I have been dreading this -telling you I started smoking again. I quit already but I am still ashamed. I feel like I have let all my family and friends and readers down. I can only say, I wanted a cigarette and I got one. That is usually how it always happens. There is no trick to it, it is an addiction. It is particularly silly in my case because I started during vacation to Vancouver.

We drove from Boise, Idaho to Vancouver B.C. and I didn’t smoke. Road trips for me were always smoking and junk food and singing, so this was impressive. My first road trip and I made it ten hours with not one smoke. So then we get to Vancouver and check in and relax our first day, but then the second day we have to drive from the hotel to the convention we are going to and my husband is being a pill. It is not his fault; it was culture shock driving in a big city. Also, we didn’t have an Atlas, so we were relying on our mobile devices for directions. We were in the tiny Kia Rio, and my husband has my cell phone with the cashed directions and he keeps hitting a button and erasing them. He then has to hand the phone to me so I can get them back. At one point we had to pull over to the Starbucks so I could look them up again. I was driving which always causes him some stress because I can drive pretty fast and will flip my tiny car on a dime. What I didn’t realize because I always looked up Google maps and MapQuest at home is that there are no landmarks in between to let you know how close or far away your next turn is. This provides a lot of anxiety in a huge, unknown to us, city. We kept saying to each other, is that it? or do I turn here? It was stressful, and to add to that stress my husband kept reminding me we could have taken public transport. He was also doing the other annoying things he does when I drive like telling me to slow down, making fun of me for keeping my signal on when I am not turning anymore, and making those noises that shows he is scared like AHHHH. Finally after twenty minutes of this, I pulled over and bought a pack of cigarettes.

Not an excuse, that is just how it happened, but I continued to smoke through vacation and even after I got home a little. What do you know, I got sick. My bronchial stuff is back and I had to go to the doc and I was out of work. I think there is a pretty strong correlation now, but it doesn’t stop the cravings.

The meds to get over Bronchitis…how dumb is my addiction.

The other day I was on the way to the doctor after being sick for a week. I was so tired my husband decided to drive me. It was a morning appointment and I had just woken up. In the car, I just wanted a cigarette, and I did that ghetto thing no one admits to doing. I searched the ashtray for a butt. I found a really nice long one and lit it up. My husband is not usually one who gets upset. My friends they joke that one day Brad is just going to throw his hands up and cuss me out one of these times, but he never yells or cusses or anything to me. When I lit up he looked at me sideways and sighed heavily. I said, “This is my last one promise.”

He replied, “Bullshit.”

This is the harshest thing he has ever said to me. I looked at him and I know my eyes were wide. I didn’t say anything I just kind of stared at him.

He said, “I know that’s not your last one.”

“Are you mad at me?”

“Yeah, kind of.”

“Wanna talk about it?”

“No,” he said and we were already in the parking lot of the doctor so I put my hand on his leg and told him that I was sorry that I was so addicted. He just nodded.

So I went into the doctor’s office. I love my doctor, Dr. Baxter. She is one of the truly great doctors of all time. She helped cure my headaches and I believe she is going to help me get out from under all this medication. I was listing out all my symptoms and she asked me about the smoking. I said, “I am so sorry. I started again, but I quit again, but then I had one recently. My husband is so upset at me, and I am so upset at myself. I am so angry that I started again.”

She agreed that it made sense that I was mad at myself, but then she said that I need to be easier on myself. She said that I had been through a lot with the hormones and my health problems, I have explained them in other blogs here. She said, that if I focus on how I have failed, all I will want to do is smoke. She said that I need to focus on all the good things that I have done, because that will make me feel better and more capable to quit.

I walked out of the doctor’s office and as soon as we got in the car I put out my bottom lip and told Brad, “Brad the doctor said you had to be nice to me, because I have been through a lot! And if I focus on all my mistakes all I will want to do is smoke.”

Brad smiled and shook his head and reached over to pull me near him. He said, “Yeah, you have, you are right.” He nuzzled my neck and kissed me, and then we drove away.

So I think the take away is that I need to focus on what I have done right. I am cheating every once in a while, but I am not smoking as much, and I have lost 13 pounds so far! These are the good things. This isn’t to say that I am not going to feel the defeat of it, or the regret, I am just not going to sit there and soak up the defeat and regret. I am going to feel it, and then remind myself how to get out of it. Remind myself I can do this because I have done it before. I have accomplished steps to take my health back.

One thought on “When I want it more than I want health?

  1. addiction can be so difficult, thank you for sharing such a well written glimpse into your experience. My name is Rischa and I’m going research on the way people think about drinking and smoking cigarettes and pot. Research is important to me because providers use studies like this one to make decisions about our healthcare. The survey is 100% anonymous and should take about 15 minutes. http://www.thinkingresearch.wordpress.com. You can also get involved by telling people about this study!

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