Have you ever been spring cleaning and you go into your bedroom closet, or the garage, or shed and try and organize, and then everything you own topples out onto your head and then beyond you onto the floor? With a deflated since of hope, you look around in desperation at the job at hand and a depressing thought that you’ll never be able to make sense of the mess. That is how I feel about my health right now. Everything has rained down on my head and it just keeps getting worse and worse.
I have told you that my health has been bad. My PCOS has been acting up. I had been having problems for about six months. I am still having those problems, but now because of some medication that my doctor gave me I am having excruciating pain. I have been experiencing mind blowing cramps in my stomach that won’t go away until this medicine goes out of my system. It may be months until the medicine is totally gone. This is making it hard to think, and especially hard to exercise. I am really lucky that my husband is so nice and has been cooking all our meals or I would probably still be eating crap.
It can be overwhelming when it seems everything is going wrong. I have spent several days feeling sorry for myself. My pity parties are very small. I lie on the couch watching reruns of old sci-fi shows and cry silently under a very soft blanket. Usually that means that I have a big bag of doves chocolate candy and maybe some gum drops. This time though, I didn’t have that, I did start smoking again. I think I felt like at least I could have that, but that’s not even right. I am making more problems for myself. Sadly when I am depressed I have a hard time reaching out to the ones I love.
Luckily, I have wonderful family and a few really good friends who don’t let me do that. They call and make sure I am alive. Mom, Grandma, my Aunt, and Christine, have all called and given me words of encouraging. What is bad is some battles you have to fight on your own. They all ask, is there something I can do? What do you say to that when it is a battle with yourself? No one can help me find the strength to say no to cake, or to get out of my depressive stupor and move around. The only thing I can ask for is an understanding ear. Never in my life did I want to hear so bad the words, “I am sorry. I know you are going through something, and I am here.” It is so good to just hear those words.
The only thing that is making me feel better is the knowledge that, I will not be down for long. I have been depressed before. I have been down and sad and angry at myself before, but I’ve always crawled out of it.