Bring on the Locusts

Have you ever been spring cleaning and you go into your bedroom closet, or the garage, or shed and try and organize, and then everything you own topples out onto your head and then beyond you onto the floor? With a deflated since of hope, you look around in desperation at the job at hand and a depressing thought that you’ll never be able to make sense of the mess. That is how I feel about my health right now. Everything has rained down on my head and it just keeps getting worse and worse.

I have told you that my health has been bad. My PCOS has been acting up. I had been having problems for about six months. I am still having those problems, but now because of some medication that my doctor gave me I am having excruciating pain. I have been experiencing mind blowing cramps in my stomach that won’t go away until this medicine goes out of my system. It may be months until the medicine is totally gone. This is making it hard to think, and especially hard to exercise. I am really lucky that my husband is so nice and has been cooking all our meals or I would probably still be eating crap.

It can be overwhelming when it seems everything is going wrong. I have spent several days feeling sorry for myself. My pity parties are very small. I lie on the couch watching reruns of old sci-fi shows and cry silently under a very soft blanket. Usually that means that I have a big bag of doves chocolate candy and maybe some gum drops. This time though, I didn’t have that, I did start smoking again. I think I felt like at least I could have that, but that’s not even right. I am making more problems for myself. Sadly when I am depressed I have a hard time reaching out to the ones I love.

Luckily, I have wonderful family and a few really good friends who don’t let me do that. They call and make sure I am alive. Mom, Grandma, my Aunt, and Christine, have all called and given me words of encouraging. What is bad is some battles you have to fight on your own. They all ask, is there something I can do? What do you say to that when it is a battle with yourself? No one can help me find the strength to say no to cake, or to get out of my depressive stupor and move around. The only thing I can ask for is an understanding ear. Never in my life did I want to hear so bad the words, “I am sorry. I know you are going through something, and I am here.” It is so good to just hear those words.

The only thing that is making me feel better is the knowledge that, I will not be down for long. I have been depressed before. I have been down and sad and angry at myself before, but I’ve always crawled out of it.

4 thoughts on “Bring on the Locusts

  1. Mandy

    Well it sounds like you are in a dark place. But look — you could have reached for the candy long ago, and you didn’t. So you are making progress. I was feeling dark today too and I gotta say, I forced myself to go exercise and it made me feel a lot better. So maybe if you summon all your strength and go take a walk and get your heart pumping, it will help you crawl out of the dark place. Even though that is probably the last thing you want to do right now.

  2. Mandy

    Do you get chronic pelvic pain? I had to look up PCOS, didn’t know what it was, sounds awful. I’ve dealt with chronic pelvic pain too, it’s agony, like your insides are burning and there’s nothing you can do about it. I know how chronic pain can take over your life. And it’s isolating b/c no one understands exactly how you feel. I’m glad you have your wonderful husband to support you. I like him a lot even though we’ve never met. I’m so happy that you found each other. I’m pulling for you and hope you feel better very soon.

  3. fromthefurnace

    Howdy my Franky friend! I just wanted to say that I’m sorry and that I’m here for you. I too have long battled with addiction, just not in the same areas (smoking, snacking, etc). Pornography was my poison of choice and it has done more harm to my life than I can contain in one little reply here. Perhaps I will write a nice long blog about it some day. The group would look it over first of course!
    But I just wanted to give you one encouragement, and that is in your battle against self (a battle at the heart of “Curse”), there is Someone who can help you. I don’t want to get all spiritual, but know that Christ can help you through the tough times. I’m sure that’s not new information, but I know for myself, I can always use a friendly reminder. Call anytime you need prayer my friend!

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