I am angry, sad, and disappointed to the point of depression. It is one of those depressions where I don’t feel understood. Where I feel others feel my problem is smaller than it is. It stinks when that happens. Yes, I know people go hungry. Yes, I should be happy I have what I have. When you have something you have been working toward, something that is harder for you than anything else in your life. Anytime you have a setback, it is a huge deal especially after you feel like it was going good. I am sorry I am so upset I can’t even think of a metaphor. I will try to explain.
We moved into an apartment, because we hate yard work. We searched for months for one that was within our budget, big enough, and had a gym and a pool. I told everyone, “I want a pool.” We finally found a beautiful apartment with a gym and a pool. My husband and I were enamored, but they denied us. Having just short sold our home it looked really bad. We had to write a letter explaining our financial difficulties which was very humbling, but finally we were accepted.
After moving in it became pool season. Brad and I went to the pool every day for about a month, and then it got really hot and for some reason the apartment complex kept the pool really warm. Have you ever tried exercising in bathtub hot water? It is not pleasant. So we slowly stopped going. I complained to the pool maintenance but they told me that everyone else liked it hot. We tried to go at different times of the day, and it was just as hot late at night as it was during the day. We would just stand around sweating and because of my rosacea I would leave with my face red and stinging. Finally I called the office and was told the same thing. Everyone would complain if they turned it down. So we still tried, and YAY! They turned it down. It was so wonderful. I spent a week in the pool, basking in the wonderful coolness of the water. Swimming and accomplishing some personal records. I was swimming so many laps. I even ran so hard in the pool prompting a seven year old to ask me to take a break. I was in nirvana. It was amazing, and swimming at night is wonderful, the light on the water is beautiful it makes me feel truly rich. I think this was the worst part.
I think this is what made it so upsetting when they turned the heat up again. I went down with my husband and a friend around three in the afternoon. We got in and it was hot again. I actually cried. I know this doesn’t seem like a big deal. But let me put this in perspective. I am a thirty seven year old woman that for the first time in her life was exercising consistently for over a month and actually loved it. Not only that, but my husband was doing it to. Do you know how hard it is to find out exercise both of us want to do? It was as if the answer to all our health problems were answered. We were finally on our way. I don’t think people understand. I think that is part of the frustration. I must be over reacting. It is not the end of the world, right? No, I will just be fat forever, and by forever I mean maybe another seventeen years because that is when my Dad died of a heart attack/accident. Or maybe another thirteen because that is the age Mom had a heart attack. Or maybe it will be Uncle’s age when he had his.
Hopefully not, the only better option is that I put on my big girl panties and do something I hate everyday for the rest of my life so that I can be healthy.