It is worse. This week was the worst yet in my struggle to be healthier. I found out what I have been trying to do, was not successful. I felt I was really making progress swimming five times a week, and eating out LESS. What I was doing did nothing, helped nothing. I guess I had way to many free days where I said forget it, I will just eat the cheeseburger. Monday my doctor put me on a new medicine for diabetics. I can no longer kid myself into thinking I am pre-diabetic. I am a diabetic. I have to inject myself with medicine at night now. It isn’t just that I felt I was doing better; it is that I should have been doing better. I was just kidding myself and I pretty much knew it. I have been half assing this losing weight thing. I have been letting myself and my family down. That night I lay on the floor and cried for I don’t know how long. My poor husband laid next to me and stared at me flabbergasted not really knowing what to do.
This has been sort of a week of mourning and hard changes. I have been feeling horrible too and I guess now I know why. I have had no energy, have felt nauseous and was generally in a crabby mood. I guess that is because my sugars have been too high. If you add overwhelming shame and depression to the mix it is really hard to think positively or about your next step. I have been a sort of a numb zombie for more than a few days. Also this new medicine gives you nausea and a stomach ache. Basically I have just been following my husband around eating small stuff and sleeping when he says. I went through the motions.
I called my Mom and told her on the last five minutes on my break. That is how ashamed I was and how much I didn’t have any answers. I told her and then let her go. It was drive-by bad news. She told me to focus on my health and getting better. Those words where all I could think about in the coming days. I kind of adopted it as a mantra. Focus on your health, do better, get better.
I am slow, not mentally slow, but life slow. I finally met the man of my dreams at the ripe age of twenty seven while I was still in college. We didn’t marry until I was thirty five. I move slowly. I am now thirty seven and finally getting it’s not time to play around anymore. I tell you what though, if I follow that logic, I may be slow but I am also strong and those things always worked out for me. I ended up with the most wonderful husband, and an education I feel blessed for. I am slow but I will get this. I promise you. I will get this.