As a food addict, I use food to suffocate bad feelings. I use food to celebrate, to soothe myself, and to calm my anger. It is something that I believe is universal, using things whatever it may be to take ourselves out of reality. I don’t know if you have done it, but if you have you know it’s usually only a temporary reprieve. Instead of being able to savor a bag of fries, my new life is a piece of chicken and some veggies for lunch or dinner. While those things are delicious it isn’t quite the hit fries and ice cream provide. I know the theory that food like a drug seems intense or going overboard, but I know I use it like that. I know I feel a release when I eat really good things. I know I depend on it far too much. It is a common thing to feel comfort or joy from food. I must stop that, and halfway will do no good. I have to go all the way. I am doing pretty well this week. I could do better. Right now I am trying to get my blood sugars down to the standard 120 after I eat. The lowest I have gotten is 133. I am doing this by cutting out most carbs and eating less of everything else.
This is a sort of stringent way of having meal time. Brad says he will most likely lose weight because he will start hating food because of this. Every time we don’t have a preplanned meal and one of us is just hungry (me) we end up having this intense conversation.
He says, “How about cheese sandwiches and soup.”
“To many carbs,” I say.
“Rice a Roni?”
“Left over stew?”
To this he throws his hands in the air and goes into the other room to look for more options. It is an aggravating process and one which we are working to improve by having more quick options on hand. We aren’t as prepared as we want to be. It is a process.
So I have taken away our way of coping with things and we are both grieving for. Not to replace this coping mechanism, but to make the voyage easier I am doing things that make me feel good. I am delighting in small touches of luxury.
My work gave me this fancy soap. It is from Cost Plus and is grapefruit and tangerine scented. It was sitting in a container on my countertop for over a month. Yesterday I broke it open and decided to use it. It is so luxurious. It is thick and feels like there is lotion inside. Rolling it in my hands is a small meditative experience where it releases the moisture and the smell of the soap. It makes your hands smell like dreamsycles. I usually use the cheapest drug store bottle soap that just smells like soap.
Also I bought myself a present. I purchased the most beautiful dangly moonstone earrings. For six months or more I have been trolling etsy, and many other jewelry sites. It has been to long since I have gotten a new piece of jewelry. I haven’t bought clothes or anything else to pamper myself. I finally broke down this week and did it. They are absolutely beautiful on me, and I wore them three days in a row I was so excited.
Hot baths and naps are also ways in which I am being nicer with myself. I deserve time out, and to revitalize myself in a way that isn’t unhealthy. I deserve to pamper myself a little in this time of change. Everything is changing down to the tiny decisions I have to make, and because of that even the tiny hairs on the back of my neck are wound too tight. I have to write down every morsel that enters my mouth. I have to stick my finger every two hours. I have to exercise every day. All these things are carefully monitored and are stringent new requirements. I have to be kind to myself through all this.