My husband is going to school and not working right now, as I have said before. In this arrangement he has taken over dinner duties, as is our deal. He has been doing a really good job since my diagnoses. He has been looking up low carb recipes on the web. He found a delicious one on Linda’s low carb web site. http://genaw.com/lowcarb/gyro_burgers_greek_salad.html This recipe was so delicious the first day, and then the second day when he sent the leftovers to work for me. I really did love the recipe.
The following day was a hard one for me. Work was particularly brutal with people yelling at me constantly. I don’t remember the specifics but I was grouchy. A permanent scowl had taken shape on my face. I had a headache that started in my shoulders. My feet were swollen and achy.
Around an hour before I got off I texted Brad, what’s for dinner? Sadly, I was looking forward to eating. A mood suppressor if you will. I was looking forward to something to satiate the anger in my soul. Notice I didn’t say Brad’s loving hugs, or his amazing soft lipped kisses. This is my embarrassment and my shame. I was basing my happiness that day on dinner. Please take a minute and soak up how pathetic I am.
Brad said he was using the left over Greek meat to make tacos. Now, I thought he meant that he would spice it with taco like spices and it would be a whole new meal. I thought good idea, way to be resourceful. Then when I saw him that night, he explained that he was just going to make it the same way. My response was so we are going to eat the same exact thing we have eaten the past three days, just in a tortilla?? He said, “Umm, well when you put it that way it doesn’t sound so good.”
I was a bitch about it. I pouted and didn’t talk. He was very kind about it after, but I really did act like a petulant teenager. I said things like, “All you have to do is make dinner.” Which isn’t true, Brad does almost everything for me. I was an ungrateful baby. I have since apologized and hopefully enough penance that he is putting it behind him. I recognize how horrible I was, but what I don’t understand is the disappointment.
That is also the other thing that embarrasses me to my core. How do I become like the birds, I mean I don’t believe they ever say worms again? How do I lower the priority of food in my life? How do I make better things more important to me than food? This is something that I have to negotiate. I mean I know that everyone has meals they look forward too, and I will always find pleasure with food. However, I don’t want to look forward to it so much that I am going to put more priority on it than the company of the man I love more than anything. I don’t mean that I want to transfer my addiction. I just need to realize why I do that. I need to learn to master my feelings so that I am not reliant on a good meal to make me feel better. I will have made myself feel better.