I have been off the wagon. I have to tell you I have been not consciously indulging. I have been just letting myself pick whatever I want and it isn’t good. I have been deliberately not paying attention to what I have been putting in my mind. On the vampire diaries, they have this thing were vampires can turn off their emotion if they want. It is when they do the most horrible things. When something hurts them badly and they don’t want to feel it, they turn off their emotions and then they do horrible things. I am sure you can imagine. I mean I am not quoting great literature here, but the metaphor is still valid.
I have been turning off my brain/emotions. I’ve not been reading about health or thinking about it. I have been taking a break and I have to be honest. It doesn’t feel good. I could tell you all the reasons that I believe this happened. I am a little off kilter. I have been adjusting to life with another person living in our house. My husband graduated and is looking for a job which may mean we have to move at a moment’s notice. With Christmas preparations, I have been very busy and this is the first time I have had to write. I think that reading and writing about my health really does help me do the right thing. It is as if I am living it.
A friend of mine started using these energy drinks and diet pills at the same time. She is a gloriously smart woman, and brilliantly beautiful. She is plus sized and that bugs her. She knew she shouldn’t have done it. She knew in the fiber of her being she was messing up her health. She is lucky she didn’t do worse damage to herself. The thing is, when she was telling me why she did it anyway, I was thinking I totally understand. A lot of people think about what they eat constantly. I know skinny women who plan their entire day. I know because for the past couple months I have been doing that, that there is some joy in that. When you are doing good, while tedious, it feels amazing to be that in control over your body and what you put in it. You feel smart, and light, and have energy. Now if you aren’t doing good watching what you eat, or you are succeeding watching what you eat and still not losing weight there is shame in that. It feels like something you shouldn’t have to do. Sometimes I have even lowered myself to be jealous of those people who don’t have to worry about food. I know women who eat when they feel hungry and don’t when they aren’t. I know women who eat small amounts of horrible food and lose weight. I mean it doesn’t do any good to be jealous or to resent your lot in life, but sometimes you can’t help it. You can’t help feeling sorry for yourself that you are addicted to food. I relate to that in a big way. I understand the idea of taking something that frees you from the constant worry of what you’re eating. To not think about food, and to only live freely, that is a dream idea. I don’t think they will ever come up with the safe drug that’ll do that. It’ll ruin your kidneys, but you won’t think of food for a month! Yeah, not so good. I know she isn’t the first one to do something so crazy, and she won’t be the last intelligent woman to do it either.
I can’t judge at all. I mean how healthy is eating yourself to death. I need to get back to the straight and narrow and I just like my friend are getting back down to business. My off the track thinking has got to stop. My first step is getting back on this blog and being accountable to you my readers. If some of my face book friends notice you haven’t heard from this blog in a while, maybe you could nudge me a bit. It probably means that I am using the ostrich method of facing my problems, and burying my dream of fitting into single digit size clothing. I made a deal with this friend to get back to journaling and weight loss. So I weigh in tomorrow to see what damage I have done and that hopefully will shock me back into losing. I will accept prayers and good wishes this holiday season. My aunt makes prime rib and is a caterer. We bought Goody’s chocolates and have a full box in the house. I am going to try and “indulge responsibly.” We also have many holiday parties to attend, including a dessert filled wedding. There are lots of battles ahead, but I will persevere.
To all those out there working on themselves in any way or just trying to get healthy, I want to say that I am hopeful that you can get through this like me. You can fall down and get back up. It is hard, because as with anything it is easier to put down the load than it is to carry it. I have hope. That is what we need hope and courage. I will be here trying with you. I think that my friend has made me realize more than ever, that we need support. Everyone needs support and encouragement and commiseration.