Assuming my Position on the Couch

Comforted by popcorn, and my favorite blankets. This is my lazy stance.

The confessional

I have been a lazy, lazy girl. Since I have gotten back from Oklahoma I have done nothing. My knees have been hurting so my daily walks have stopped. Every day I get this guilty feeling, like I know I should be doing something, anything to burn some calories. Alas, my days have been spent working or mainlining Veronica Mars episodes or both. Yes, husband and I are getting ready for the movie! Lofty goals aside, I really haven’t been doing anything.

I met today with a writing buddy and I realized I haven’t been meeting any of my goals. I am not exercising, eating well, writing, de-cluttering my house or scrapbooking etc.  I don’t know if anyone can relate, but I have been missing my family in Oklahoma terribly. Since I have gotten back, I have been in a funk. The bad part is that I have been marinating in it, becoming one with the couch. What do you do when you are having TV marathons, and feeling lazy and depressed? I don’t know what you do, but I eat fast food. I eat popcorn and ice cream. I haven’t weighed myself because I am in denial. I walk by the scale in my bathroom and pretend I don’t see it. For two weeks I have been pretending I am oblivious to things like weight and health all while secretly shaming myself inside.

Is sadness an excuse? Is home sickness actually something I can legitimately blame? Not likely. I mean I am not in the kind of depressed you seek treatment for. I am, as my mom would put it, throwing a mini tantrum about life. I am wailing against things that I cannot change. For those of us who like to control things it is the worst thing that can happen. I never accept the things I cannot change. I eventually have to, but sadly I am not one to accept it right away. I look for all the many ways around it. It is like fighting my way out of a hermetically sealed box. I am trying to change that about myself because my knuckles are bruised from all this fighting but I can’t seem to figure out how.

What I am going to do now, is recommit to weight loss, and make sure that I use my stubbornness for something I can change. I am determined so I guess that is something I can be thankful about. I am able to recommit and pick myself up from my blue funk (that term was coined by my grandma) and move on. Back into the fight ladies and gentlemen, off the couch and into the weight loss fray I must go. I must take back my legs and try to find an exercise that doesn’t kill my knees, probably the elliptical, snore, but that is my cross to bear. I hate the machines that go no where, but the pool is closed and I need easy knees for now.

Husband unfortunately seems to fall off the wagon with me and then I have to reach for him and painfully pull him back on. He is recommitting with me. So as of this post, we will cook at home or starve.  How many times will I go through this? Probably many, I will probably falter thousands of times for the rest of my life. I think it might get old talking about my failures on this web site so much. It is disappointing to know what you need to do, but to ignore it. I used to let the failure sink into me, and then let it ruin all my efforts, but I am not going to anymore. I am going to fight my way out of this box of my own doing. I am going to beat on the lid until I can’t beat anymore.

I have read many sources that say success is just the result of many failures. In Oprah Magazine’s April addition, Sarah Lewis author of the new book, The Rise, posits that we don’t fail enough.  She says, “Mistakes keep you striving.” Further on she says, “look at it objectively, as though you’re observing the actions of another person. Pick it apart to find what was positive.”

I can do that. I can look at myself as if it were the actions of another person. If I were talking to one of my friends I would say you are going through a hard time, but now you need to pick yourself up. You can do this. You are a smart woman who can work it out. I think I am nicer to others than I am myself sadly. I don’t know if I will ever think of my failures as success. I mean yes, she does give the example of scientists who fail, use those failures to figure out what went wrong and how to fix it. Maybe I will think of it that way. Failures are the way I will figure out what didn’t work and how to fix it.

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