To Legit to Quit!

Out walking after getting my hair successfully cut.
Out walking after getting my hair successfully cut.

Thank you to all the people who have supported me the past month. I have been so depressed because I have been unable to leave the house very much. First, I messed up my ankle which had me putting my feet up for two weeks. Then I got a sinus infection which also had me holed up in the apartment. I am finally feeling better and yesterday I had a cathartic day of shopping and getting a haircut.

I am finally realizing that weight loss isn’t something that is going to be continuous or easily stopped either. It isn’t a goal that I can attain. I will have to keep trying and reinvigorating my struggle.

In the midst of my depression I was telling my husband that I feel like I am on a hamster wheel. I get traction going and then something slips out from under me. I was laying on the couch for what seemed like forever. I was at that point of sickness where even my swollen stuffed up nose could smell how bad I smelled. I couldn’t think because my head was filled with junk and I was feeling sorry for myself. I was feeling lonely and crying. I had a deep desperate feeling in my gut. It all felt fruitless and I was miserable.

This isn’t the first time I have felt that my efforts were for no reason. I have had so many setbacks. I have been really invigorated and done well with my eating and exercising only to be blindsided by an injury or a mistake like eating a package of Oreos. I have always looked at these landslides into unhealthy as if I was sliding off the mountain of my goals. I get ten feet up and then boom knocked back down.

The point is as long as I continue to climb — isn’t that the point. Metaphor aside, yesterday I reached my step goal, and my ankle hurt less than usual, and today I cooked a healthy breakfast for my hubby. These things seem small and that can be disheartening to me. However, isn’t that like saving ten dollars a paycheck as opposed to one hundred dollars a paycheck? I can only lose momentum if I totally quit, right?

Whether I am talking about physical health, emotional health or intellectual goals, I think I am always going to have to work on things. I am never going to be able to put down my pedometer and go, welp that’s it, I am done. Break out the Haagen Dazs. It is going to be a fact of my life. This last set back has really cemented that fact for me.

It sounds depressing but it isn’t. It is so easy to quit. In the moment, all I want to do is watch TV and eat cheese fries. I know. I get discouraged, and depressed. I am addicted to the food and the way it seems to fill something for me. I know I am going to lose gumption, but I will not lose every day. Once I know these backslides are built into the program, then I will be less likely to beat myself up about them. I can just slide right past the guilty sad phase and get back to my program.

It gives me hope, because as long as I keep trying and climbing then I haven’t quit.

Quitting smoking on average takes seven tries. About my eighth try I got pretty discouraged, but I have been cigarette free for over a year now. I have a feeling that I will be as old as I can get and still backsliding and still trying to get right back on and climb the mountain of healthy.

When I get back on the program and eat healthy I am winning. Just by not quitting, I am winning.

2 thoughts on “To Legit to Quit!

  1. First off, I’m sorry this has been such a rough patch! If you’re up to it, maybe we can schedule a coffee klatsch sometime in the next couple weeks? So much that you wrote here resonated with me. The underlying issues seem very similar, even if the surface questions for each of us are different.

    Here’s the uncomfortable (for me) question I am struggling with right now: am I prepared to love and accept my body, even if it stays this size & shape forever? Or even gets bigger? Because if the answer to that is “no” — if I am not going to love my body, period, no matter what, full stop — then I’m accepting the possibility of being at war with it forever. And that feels like an even more terrible outcome.

    Anyway. Big hugs to you! The [pictures of the] haircut looks great! Here’s to better days ahead! 🙂

    1. I would love to get together with you. How about Tuesday? I think you have to love your body and value its capabilities in order to improve yourself. I have started to relate this to other things in my life. I am very smart. I read more than most people. I do consider myself as an academic because I study literature and writing constantly. I know you are an academic too. I won’t stop doing those things even though I have a degree. Before I got my degree all I thought about was how I needed a degree. I thought it would make me a smart person. My final year I realized I will never be done. I love literature and will never get to all the books I want. Once I realized that, it became a very clear that I wasn’t “working” towards a degree. I was on a quest for knowledge. I will never be done. I will just be constantly reading. I will never be as smart as I want to be. I want to be the smartest in the world…lol While I am never going to be as capable physically as I want to be. I still am going to strive.
      I don’t believe that either of us is going to be on the cover of the swim suit edition. We are both beautiful women in our own right. By societies standards maybe not, but by our loved ones yes. We have to love our bodies for what they do for us. I have mistreated mine. I have really been hard on it. I also have had my body mistreated by others. It needs my attention and my empathy. Still my body will get me to all the places I want to go. It is resilient, and I need it. I think you can accept and love your body while also wanting to improve it. If the idea is to improve it, so that you can have more capabilities and a longer life, then I think you have to accept it and love your body. I think the war is over though, it is now a period of cooperation.

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