Thank you to all the people who have supported me the past month. I have been so depressed because I have been unable to leave the house very much. First, I messed up my ankle which had me putting my feet up for two weeks. Then I got a sinus infection which also had me holed up in the apartment. I am finally feeling better and yesterday I had a cathartic day of shopping and getting a haircut.
I am finally realizing that weight loss isn’t something that is going to be continuous or easily stopped either. It isn’t a goal that I can attain. I will have to keep trying and reinvigorating my struggle.
In the midst of my depression I was telling my husband that I feel like I am on a hamster wheel. I get traction going and then something slips out from under me. I was laying on the couch for what seemed like forever. I was at that point of sickness where even my swollen stuffed up nose could smell how bad I smelled. I couldn’t think because my head was filled with junk and I was feeling sorry for myself. I was feeling lonely and crying. I had a deep desperate feeling in my gut. It all felt fruitless and I was miserable.
This isn’t the first time I have felt that my efforts were for no reason. I have had so many setbacks. I have been really invigorated and done well with my eating and exercising only to be blindsided by an injury or a mistake like eating a package of Oreos. I have always looked at these landslides into unhealthy as if I was sliding off the mountain of my goals. I get ten feet up and then boom knocked back down.
The point is as long as I continue to climb — isn’t that the point. Metaphor aside, yesterday I reached my step goal, and my ankle hurt less than usual, and today I cooked a healthy breakfast for my hubby. These things seem small and that can be disheartening to me. However, isn’t that like saving ten dollars a paycheck as opposed to one hundred dollars a paycheck? I can only lose momentum if I totally quit, right?
Whether I am talking about physical health, emotional health or intellectual goals, I think I am always going to have to work on things. I am never going to be able to put down my pedometer and go, welp that’s it, I am done. Break out the Haagen Dazs. It is going to be a fact of my life. This last set back has really cemented that fact for me.
It sounds depressing but it isn’t. It is so easy to quit. In the moment, all I want to do is watch TV and eat cheese fries. I know. I get discouraged, and depressed. I am addicted to the food and the way it seems to fill something for me. I know I am going to lose gumption, but I will not lose every day. Once I know these backslides are built into the program, then I will be less likely to beat myself up about them. I can just slide right past the guilty sad phase and get back to my program.
It gives me hope, because as long as I keep trying and climbing then I haven’t quit.
Quitting smoking on average takes seven tries. About my eighth try I got pretty discouraged, but I have been cigarette free for over a year now. I have a feeling that I will be as old as I can get and still backsliding and still trying to get right back on and climb the mountain of healthy.
When I get back on the program and eat healthy I am winning. Just by not quitting, I am winning.