I’ve been depressed trying to recover from this ear infection. I am still having intermittent pain and hearing issues. This one was a really bad one. It has made me depressed. There are several reasons for me being down: the solitude, still getting used to a new city and being away from my family and friends, the lack of progress on my goals.
I have never been shy about the fact that I am not a morning person. I think I hate mornings even more when I have been putting off all my responsibilities. It is so overwhelming when they pile up on me. I get up and look around at the dirty apartment, and remember how long it’s been since I exercised, and how many meals I haven’t cooked. It just adds to the depression, thinking about how I haven’t done anything. Looking around the apartment at dirty dishes, in my pajamas, right after my husband leaves for work, I usually end up on the couch nursing my coffee watching TV. Sadly, from that position it is easy to just not do anything at all. Hour after hour turns into just one more and then I will start writing, exercising or cleaning. It doesn’t help that I am still getting over being sick, that’s a real good excuse. I realize how pathetic this sounds.
I think that I am depressed and lethargic, but I need to get my gumption moving. I have been feeling very sorry for myself. I have been in this place before. The marinating phase, where feelings lead to more feelings. It is similar to the relationship phenomenon where you are fighting about something small and then all the things you have ever fought about start coming out. The “marination” is when I am feeling bad about myself about one thing and then “ALL the things” I have ever failed at collect in a soup at my feet for me to soak in. I have to say it is so easy to marinate in those feelings. I don’t know why it is so easy. Maybe it is easier than continuing to try and continuing to fail.
I could re-site all those quotes I’ve found on Pinterest, Facebook, and Twitter. You know, how you should keep failing in order to succeed, or any of those quotes. I do try to always be positive in my soul and on this site. Those quotes are so inspirational, and sometimes they work when I hear them. Sometimes, however, they really piss me off because they make light of how bad failure feels. When I am sitting around in stinky pajamas, watching Farscape and crying, I don’t want to be told to keep failing until I succeed. Failing hurts.
Breaking through the hurt is hard. For me I have to marinate until I get sick of myself, so disgusted that I do something about it. It is just a ping in the brain that ignites action. I think that I am lucky that it comes. I worry someday that it won’t. It might be the shame, or the chicken chow mein scent coming of my body, but I always have come out of it.
So the other day I decided to take the bull by the horns and start making plans so that I wake up with a mission. At night I have more energy than in the morning. I decided to put that to use and start by making a list of tasks I wanted to accomplish the next day. I really do love lists and love checking things off. When I write something down it isn’t nagging my brain over and over, and then when I check things off I feel like I have really done something. Keeping track of my accomplishments reminds me I have done things, and I am capable. So, I am planning out all the food I am going to prepare the next day and all the tasks I am going to accomplish.
So far this week it is working out. I am writing, and cooking and cleaning. I am also paying more attention to my diet so that I can have more energy. I am journaling how I feel after each meal. I don’t know why it is working, but it may be because writing helps me with everything. I am immersing myself in the inertia of every day. I can’t say that I am all smiles and puppies now, but I am working my way back to healthy, at least the almost healthy I normally am.