What Gives Me Hope

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Brad took this pic and emailed it to me saying, “My wife is so pretty.”

Today was a very good day. I woke up with no pain, husband made my favorite breakfast, and I got to volunteer with full energy, and then walked home as if I hadn’t a care in the world. It was one of those days when I have felt extraordinarily lucky to be alive because I have no pain. If I hadn’t had all these health problems I don’t know if I would feel this blessed, or maybe I am just extremely smart.

I don’t mean to brag, but I believe people who can see the good stuff, the sometimes referred to silver lining, are the smart ones. You know how they say that most comedians have gone through a dark time. I know that makes sense. Sometimes we have to go through the fire to appreciate the soul soothing rain. I know that I have read other people with chronic pain talking about how blessed and lucky they feel on the good days. It is just natural to soak it up, tilt your head to the sun, when you live in the shade most of the time.

Right now I am typing but also writing letters to my family and dancing to a Pandora channel filled with Korn, Metallica, and AC/DC. That’s my feel good music. I think that any day I feel up to dancing is a good day!

I wish I felt this way every day. I wish “Dirty Deeds, Done Dirt Cheap” could help me get out of my chair and giggle and dance when I am doubled over in pain, but as good as that song is…

I know my family and friends have been worried about me. It is hard when they are so far away and they call me when I am in agony or what’s worse when I am on drugs that make me talk like Kermit the Frog on drugs. It can be excruciating to watch your loved one go through pain. I know because my Mom has chronic pain. She is strong and hides it better than I do, but she is in some form of pain most of the time.

Going through the endometriosis and adenomyosis has helped me to understand how it feels to be her. Even if you are surrounded by tons of people it can be lonely, because no matter how much you explain it…no one will know what it feels like to be you.  Also, they may not always believe you are in pain or to the extent you are and that is isolating and insulting. The cool thing is most people will believe you and those people might ask what they can do, and I have some suggestions that I might have wished for if I knew how much it helped. Now I know how to help my Mom because someone helped me.

My husband has been so awesome.  Being in pain, you would think, would make me want to be rubbed or massaged, but it hasn’t. I just want to be held. I just want two arms around me, and his strength and presence. I don’t know if that what everyone wants, but that is what I want from my husband. He holds me and I remember he is there and I am not alone.

Also when I neglect something because I have been curled up like a rolli polli all day, husband doesn’t even skip a beat, he says, “Of course you didn’t do the dishes/laundry/inane chore because someone was stabbing you in the ovaries.” Small tip here for those husbands and wives who think it’s understood. It’s not. Say the words.  We feel guilty, and shitty, and useless because of the pain. When you say the words, “Of course I didn’t expect that,” it helps and relieves so much. Absolution is a powerful thing.

He also helps me have things to look forward to. He makes plans for the future with me, like dates and vacations.

Distraction from the pain is essential. My husband entertains me with reading material, music, and my favorite action movies.

Friends and family also distract me. When I start moaning and groaning about my horrible life. It is wonderful when they listen, acknowledge how shitty the pain is, and then distract me by asking me about something else in my life. If then they transition to a funny story about themselves or even distract me by letting me help them with a problem that is awesome. It really helps to stop marinating in my problems and usually that is the only thing that kicks me out of my grief – hearing someone I love’s problems. I love my friends because this is what they do. They show me I can handle it. While it might not be dancing to AC/DC, I usually leave the phone call giggling and feeling blessed and that is what I need more than anything: hope. I hope for the good days. I hope for friendship. I hope for more laughter and dancing.

“Hope is important because it can make the present moment less difficult to bear. If we believe that tomorrow will be better, we can bear a hardship today.”
– Thich Nhat Hanh

For those of you who also have chronic pain what helps you? How do your friends and family help? What do you wish they’d do?

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