The Monster In My Pants

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After the tears I just had to get out of the house.

I’ve been thinking about freedom recently because of the new president, this town which is the birthplace of freedom, and my continual grasp for freedom. I don’t mean the rights that are in danger right now in this country: like free press, freedom of religion or gay marriage. I mean the freedom of movement. I am desperately clinging to my freedom to leave the house when I want.

I feel like I should explain what’s going on with me because I am not exactly clear on what’s wrong so I have refrained from writing too many specifics. Something is wrong in my crotch. They don’t know what it is. My gynecologist has said it isn’t a feminine problem, but the other two doctors I see aren’t so sure. Second and third opinions are forthcoming. What we know for sure is the fibroids aren’t causing this pain, and it’s not endometriosis. So we are clueless as to what is causing my pain. I have had relief but only when I am not premenstrual or menstrual or for two days after. This relief between my cycles comes from the physical therapy and yoga I am doing. Around my period though it is as if someone is stabbing me right above my hip. Add this to my hormone fluctuations and my fibromyalgia and life is really shit when Aunt Irma visits. I have been entertaining this pain for about five days so I hadn’t left my house until yesterday to physical therapy, and I didn’t want to go to that either because of the pain.

My lovely therapist tried to massage and move the pain away to no avail. The examination turned into a consultation with another therapist to sadly no answers. There was just too much poking. It really is too much. I am sore today from the movement and the examination. My physical therapist is amazing because she has brought so much relief. I believe she will find an answer for me, because she is that good. However, these exams are really embarrassing and tiring. It is almost like getting a pap smear once a week. I am emotionally exhausted too. I am tired of hoping that there will be an end to this pain, when none is coming.

After my exam I was so depressed that there still wasn’t an answer for the swelling and the pain. I sat on the metal chairs outside this building full of doctor’s offices watching people with wheel chairs get dropped off and picked up feeling sorry for myself. I was full-on sobbing and vaping. Like…seriously… I stopped when a particularly sad looking fellow limped by with a foot cast on and he was wearing a robe. His face was a stone. The look of despair in his eyes was shocking. When I saw that my messed up brain said Poor guy, I should tell him it will get better.

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Beauty sometimes makes it better

Yeah, you see the irony. I mean what would this man have said if I had told him it will get better while crying. I wiped my eyes and started to leave and then it was like an alarm went off in my head that said, “Don’t go home.” So I took off walking. I walked over to Penn campus to check out all the beautiful brick buildings. I sat in front of the Starbucks watching people until I started to realize that all these kids had potential. When that made me feel pity for myself, I got up and kept walking. I walked to the river and stood there for a while looking at the train station and the river feeling lucky for the first time that day. I took a picture to show my family. We play “Where is Aunt Danielle Today?!” They are in Enid, Oklahoma and I like to show them all the landmarks of Philadelphia. In turn, I get pics of my smiling nephew. I get the better end of the stick for sure.

I finally decided to go home then. I guess I just didn’t want to go home and cry. I was tired of being home. I waited at a mall food court until my husband got off work.

I think my new tactic is to stay out of my house as much as possible. I am a vibrant person. I need human interaction. When my first instinct is to be easy on my body, I need to rebel against that because my body and my mind needs movement and excitement.

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Can I make this my new desk?

I am at a coffee shop today. I am looking out the window in Old city watching people walk by. I figured if it worked yesterday maybe it would work today. I will just stay out of the house as much as possible. I want to build memories of this city. I want to declare and take advantage of my freedom even if it hurts. I am leaving the house even when I am in pain. I am done hiding my pain in the dark. If I have to sit for a while or wince openly then I guess people will just have to deal.

I will just stay out until I create a memory. Tonight I am meeting a friend for dinner. Let’s see how that goes.

 

 

 

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