Eating the All of the Marrow, is just a proverbial term

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Me and my beautiful friend

One of my really amazing friends got married. I admire this friend and feel a kindred spirit in her. She is the embodiment of the way I strive to live. At the wedding someone described her as pure joy, and that isn’t an understatement. I know that she gets upset especially about the environment, but it is more like passion. Every other encounter I have had with her I have reveled in her enjoyment of life, one of those eating all the marrow people. When she is in town, I jump at a chance to see her, even if it is in a crowded room full of people I don’t know. So I went to the bachelorette party, the meet and greet, and the wedding. This wedding was a fancy deal!

I had been doing well on my diet and the no smoking. I am becoming quite the loyal vapor. So far since my doctor’s appointment up until the Sunday before the wedding I had lost twelve pounds. That is in a month’s time. I was extremely proud of myself, so I wanted to be careful.

I was really good at the bachelorette party. I didn’t eat anything I wasn’t supposed to and had only one martini, the same for the meet and greet. The wedding was another story. I kept saying that this qualifies as a “special occasion.” Basically, I was saying I can do what I want for one night.

Oh, and I did. I really put one on. I will spare you the details but I had sushi, potatoes and something like seven martinis. I even had a little cake and a tiny apple turnover. Regardless of the fact that sort of threw up it all later, when I weighed in Sunday I had gained six pounds. Along with my tremendous hang over, I was really depressed with myself.

Here is the thing– I didn’t even enjoy my drunkenness. I don’t know why but I felt normal up until the seventh martini. I felt absolutely normal, and then I didn’t. So, I don’t think drinking is a good idea because of that. To be honest, I don’t drink that much anymore. So this really isn’t going to be much of a strain. The carbs is my struggle, and I don’t think the cheat was worth it. I had some California rolls, a potato, and a little cake. Was that worth 6 pounds?

I am fully aware that I can have fun without it. I had only one martini at both the bachelorette and the meet and greet and was still the “life of the party.” I danced and I told jokes and I really enjoyed myself. I think I had more fun then, than even at the wedding. So I don’t need to drink or cheat to have fun. Lesson learned.

The adage “being skinny is more fun that the current bite” is annoying, entirely cliché and trite. The saying bugs me, as if you can’t have both. I know skinny people that eat like pigs. I know people who have weight problems who only eat very small amounts of the worst foods imaginable and have been able to lose weight. I can’t do that. I can’t make a donut last all day. I can pick and choose what is worth it.

I am confident now. Like trying a cigarette after a month of not smoking, I have realized it stinks and tastes nasty. Now, that isn’t to say I am not going to eat a chocolate cupcake from Starbucks every once in a GREAT while. I am dreaming about my birthday next month where most likely my aunt will bake me a cake. If you knew my aunt, there isn’t one of you who wouldn’t be dreaming about it. What I am saying is that I understand my will power a little better now. I get that I can pick and choose the days that I will forgive carbs, but those days will be less than they used to be. I guess I am just proud that for the for once in my life, losing the weight is more important.

 

When I want it more than I want health?

I have been dreading this -telling you I started smoking again. I quit already but I am still ashamed. I feel like I have let all my family and friends and readers down. I can only say, I wanted a cigarette and I got one. That is usually how it always happens. There is no trick to it, it is an addiction. It is particularly silly in my case because I started during vacation to Vancouver.

We drove from Boise, Idaho to Vancouver B.C. and I didn’t smoke. Road trips for me were always smoking and junk food and singing, so this was impressive. My first road trip and I made it ten hours with not one smoke. So then we get to Vancouver and check in and relax our first day, but then the second day we have to drive from the hotel to the convention we are going to and my husband is being a pill. It is not his fault; it was culture shock driving in a big city. Also, we didn’t have an Atlas, so we were relying on our mobile devices for directions. We were in the tiny Kia Rio, and my husband has my cell phone with the cashed directions and he keeps hitting a button and erasing them. He then has to hand the phone to me so I can get them back. At one point we had to pull over to the Starbucks so I could look them up again. I was driving which always causes him some stress because I can drive pretty fast and will flip my tiny car on a dime. What I didn’t realize because I always looked up Google maps and MapQuest at home is that there are no landmarks in between to let you know how close or far away your next turn is. This provides a lot of anxiety in a huge, unknown to us, city. We kept saying to each other, is that it? or do I turn here? It was stressful, and to add to that stress my husband kept reminding me we could have taken public transport. He was also doing the other annoying things he does when I drive like telling me to slow down, making fun of me for keeping my signal on when I am not turning anymore, and making those noises that shows he is scared like AHHHH. Finally after twenty minutes of this, I pulled over and bought a pack of cigarettes.

Not an excuse, that is just how it happened, but I continued to smoke through vacation and even after I got home a little. What do you know, I got sick. My bronchial stuff is back and I had to go to the doc and I was out of work. I think there is a pretty strong correlation now, but it doesn’t stop the cravings.

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The meds to get over Bronchitis…how dumb is my addiction.

The other day I was on the way to the doctor after being sick for a week. I was so tired my husband decided to drive me. It was a morning appointment and I had just woken up. In the car, I just wanted a cigarette, and I did that ghetto thing no one admits to doing. I searched the ashtray for a butt. I found a really nice long one and lit it up. My husband is not usually one who gets upset. My friends they joke that one day Brad is just going to throw his hands up and cuss me out one of these times, but he never yells or cusses or anything to me. When I lit up he looked at me sideways and sighed heavily. I said, “This is my last one promise.”

He replied, “Bullshit.”

This is the harshest thing he has ever said to me. I looked at him and I know my eyes were wide. I didn’t say anything I just kind of stared at him.

He said, “I know that’s not your last one.”

“Are you mad at me?”

“Yeah, kind of.”

“Wanna talk about it?”

“No,” he said and we were already in the parking lot of the doctor so I put my hand on his leg and told him that I was sorry that I was so addicted. He just nodded.

So I went into the doctor’s office. I love my doctor, Dr. Baxter. She is one of the truly great doctors of all time. She helped cure my headaches and I believe she is going to help me get out from under all this medication. I was listing out all my symptoms and she asked me about the smoking. I said, “I am so sorry. I started again, but I quit again, but then I had one recently. My husband is so upset at me, and I am so upset at myself. I am so angry that I started again.”

She agreed that it made sense that I was mad at myself, but then she said that I need to be easier on myself. She said that I had been through a lot with the hormones and my health problems, I have explained them in other blogs here. She said, that if I focus on how I have failed, all I will want to do is smoke. She said that I need to focus on all the good things that I have done, because that will make me feel better and more capable to quit.

I walked out of the doctor’s office and as soon as we got in the car I put out my bottom lip and told Brad, “Brad the doctor said you had to be nice to me, because I have been through a lot! And if I focus on all my mistakes all I will want to do is smoke.”

Brad smiled and shook his head and reached over to pull me near him. He said, “Yeah, you have, you are right.” He nuzzled my neck and kissed me, and then we drove away.

So I think the take away is that I need to focus on what I have done right. I am cheating every once in a while, but I am not smoking as much, and I have lost 13 pounds so far! These are the good things. This isn’t to say that I am not going to feel the defeat of it, or the regret, I am just not going to sit there and soak up the defeat and regret. I am going to feel it, and then remind myself how to get out of it. Remind myself I can do this because I have done it before. I have accomplished steps to take my health back.

While I am sick this week, I can’t help but think of all the people who support me.

I am amazed at the amount of support I get from my husband, friends, and relatives. I am also extremely grateful. My husband is the most understanding and giving man. He is helping me everyday get one step closer to being healthy. It is so hard when we both have the same weakness. He and I use food to sooth ourselves. This is something that is both good and bad. The bad part is that neither of us says no to the other. I come home from work and I cry and say, “I had a bad day and I want tacos.” He doesn’t say no, and then my bad mood made us both fatter. It also happens the other way around, so we cheat doubly. We have recently realized this together. We have figured out that the way to fix it isn’t going to be saying no to each other, but we are going to have to learn to say no to ourselves. We are striving to have more willpower for each other. Now that we know the problem hopefully we can recognize it when it happens.

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Discussing these things together is one of the ways we are supporting each other. We try to encourage each other, and get to the bottom of how we react to and treat each other and ourselves. It is great to have that openness with each other, and to know that the love of my life loves all my ugly. That’s such a gift.

We support each other in other ways too. Brad and I are taking walks every other day and when we do, we take turns picking out a beautiful place to impress the other. We pick out different recipes we think the other will like.

He has even promised certain “favors” for every week I am no longer smoking. He has never smoked and I think the way he supports my quitting is the best way of all. He never mentioned it. He only said something if I was talking about quitting and then he would affirm that choice, and offer ways of helping me get through. He would go and buy me cessation aids, and hard candy to keep my mouth busy. He bought me e-cigarettes.  When I finally did quit he bought me jewelry rewards. I am a fan of positive reinforcement. It is much better than negative for me. He is one of the best spouses.

However, if you don’t have a spouse like Brad, maybe you can talk to him/her to tell them how important this goal is to you. My suggestion I have is to explain to them that you will love them even more when you accomplish that goal because of how supportive they are. If that doesn’t work, maybe you can seek counseling to get them used to the new ambitious you. Sometimes it is hard when people change. I know. Brad is going to school for computer forensics and he is learning things way over my head. At first I worried we wouldn’t have much to talk about, and that he wouldn’t have time for me. This is as far as it went for me, because I realized that I can still participate in the conversation even if I don’t understand. Like my 7th grade English Teacher said about her husband the Science teacher, “Do you think I care about fossils, no, no I don’t, but I smile and nod.”

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Another source of support I have is my friends and family. My best friend Christine offers to walk with me, and go to the farmers market with me. This is the best kind of non- confrontational support. Keep in mind, Christine has always been pretty skinny.  I have been friends with Christine for over @!?(@#$ years, since high school, and never has she ever come to me and called me fat, or taken me to weight watchers and dropped me off. However, Christine subtly asks me to do things that are active. She is always giving me good recipes and talking to me how she is losing weight and running. At first I was worried she was trying to tell me how to lose weight, but no she was just confiding in me. She is very supportive without being judgmental.

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My sister Katie is in Oklahoma so we can’t really work out together or cook recipes. However, we talk at least once a week on the phone, discussing what we ate this week. Sharing the good recipes and laughing about the bad ones. We also share our failures. This is so nice to have someone who understands what you are going through, and never makes you feel bad when you fail. Actually Katie and I help each other by listing for each other our accomplishments. I call Katie and tell her I just inhaled half a pizza last night, and I am crying because I feel like I have failed myself, my family, and Brad. (I get pretty melodramatic.) She then reminds me of the healthy meals I have eaten the past two days, how I quit smoking, and how I am walking. She builds me up so that I can forget about my mistakes and get back on the program.

You know what is so cool though. I get support even from people I just meet. I was at a convention in Vancouver BC for Stargate the now extinct TV show. I am a geek and proud. I met a new friend named Debbie, and in no time we were talking about our struggles quitting smoking, losing weight, and other health difficulties. It is so nice knowing that other people are out there having the same problems I am. Not that I want other people to hurt like I am, but because it makes me feel like I am not a failure. It makes me see that other people have problems like this every day. My problems are not insurmountable and they aren’t the end of my existence.

I encourage everyone I know to reach out to your loved ones for support. Sometimes they don’t know how to be supportive. I try to remember that people have good intentions. When they are suggesting surgery or a new diet out of the blue it can be jarring. It makes me feel like they are saying; you are broken and I am not, let me fix you. It can be really hurtful. However, I try and remember that my loved ones and even casual acquaintances don’t have degrees in psychology. Not that that always guarantees a helpful response but I had to learn to ask for the help that I need and how I need it.

Other free places you can find support if you can’t get any from family or friends:

Over eaters Anonymous– http://www.oa.org/

For quitting smoking — http://www.smokefree.gov/

Because depression is such a personal issue I am including a web site from the Mayo Clinic that helps you figure out how to find support http://www.mayoclinic.com/health/support-groups/MH00002

I believe everyone deserves support. If you don’t find what you need, I am always here to answer questions or just listen, just email me at ishappinessspoonfed@gmail.com

 

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All photos for this post were taken by

Wendi Yvonne Photography