Chubby Yogi?

yoga blog2
Very comfortable. This my morning practice I do when I am getting ready to go to work, that is why I am in my jeans.


My mother was joking about when I was little saying, “You were such a little Hellion. You were a difficult child, running and talking 23 hours a day, but it always amazed me when Mr. Rogers was on, you were quiet, enwrapped in the program. I mean not a word was spoken when that man came on the TV.” Mr. Rodgers with his calm, quiet, dulcet voice, pastel sweaters and serene demeanor, was so unusual to me. I grew up in a full, loud and boisterous house. My life was and still is full of noise. I am a loud person, from my booming voice to my full, deep, whole hearted laugh. When words come to my mind I speak them right away. My siblings are pretty similar.

I guess this is why I am totally enamored and fascinated with calm, quiet people. I have always whether consciously or unconsciously sought them out. I can’t handle not knowing what is in their brains and why they don’t feel the need to speak all those locked up thoughts. It’s like knock, knock, knock….what is in there? My Dad used to say, “It’s one thing to be stupid, it is another to open your mouth and let people know you’re stupid.” I guess maybe that is another reason I am lured to quiet people, I believe them to be wise.

I am pretty proud of my downward dog, even though it could be better.
I am pretty proud of my downward dog, even though it could be better.

The biggest reason I think is that yen yang thing. The whole attraction to what you haven’t mastered. My mind is in constant motion, thinking of several things at once. Most of it seems to come out of my fingers on the keyboard (a thing that has saved many relationships,) or out of my mouth. I fidget, squirm, and rarely sit still. My husband used to say to me, “Can’t you just sit and do nothing??!!!” While the invention of the tablet allows me to do that because I can read and watch TV at the same time, and I have also learned that quiet people don’t always have pearls of wisdom hiding in there…I still long for stillness and quiet that eludes me.

If I told you that you would probably refer me to a counselor, yoga, or meditation, right? It says something about me that I have seen counselors, but never in a million years thought about yoga or meditation. Ol’ Doc Baxter says with my fibromyalgia I have to stretch. Google says, “Fibromyalgia is a common syndrome in which a person has long-term, body-wide pain and tenderness in the joints, muscles, tendons, and other soft tissues. Fibromyalgia has also been linked to fatigue, sleep problems, headaches, depression, and anxiety.” My mom and grandma both had it. Growing up I knew; Fibromyalgia equaled pain you can never get rid of. Knowing the pain Mom went through I have already researched this disease before Dr. Baxter told me I had it. I kept “helpfully” sharing what I learned saying Mom try this, and try that. Yeah, I am that kind of friend, the fixer. Mom isn’t much for trying stuff, so now; I am going back on all that literature, and the number one suggestion: yoga and meditation. Oh, okay, so I guess I will try it.

Love a good hip stretch
Love a good hip stretch

I LOVE IT!!!! I normally hate to sweat, but for some reason I don’t really notice when I am doing yoga. My husband and I have been doing about twenty minutes in the morning and the evening. Last night I sweated a lot. With a concentration on breathing, position of your body, and balance: it is such a challenge for me that it quiets my mind. Even small stretches and poses are meant to be done in reverence and thoughtful breathing. I have found it to be so relaxing and calm, and the biggest benefit is I have noticed after just a few weeks practice I have much less pain than before.

Maybe this will lead me to be the quiet, introspective, wise person I have always wanted to be? That may be too much to ask, but at least I am on the road to far less pain.




Control, a weight loss buzz word

Proud of myself


I read recently in a magazine that impulse control is something that you can work, like a muscle and get stronger at controlling your impulses.

I have always considered this to be something inherently wrong with me. I mean my family tree is riddled with overweight people. I have chubby ancestors all over the place. But maybe they just didn’t exercise their impulse control. I’ve always said that I am really good at the big things, like I am one of the first people in my family to graduate from college. I have a good job, and am in a good relationship. I have accomplished some stuff here, not too shabby, but the little things every day decisions are what are gonna kill me, get me evicted, or get my feet cut off because of diabetic infection. I don’t make good spur of the moment decisions. NOT at all. So previously, what I read concerning weight loss has been to remove the temptation. Don’t have the shit in your house. Have lots of healthy food and snacks. Now that works really well for us, for about two weeks, until we are too lazy to go to the grocery store and make that one night mistake of hitting McDonalds and scarfin’ down a double quarter pound with biggie fries and Dr. Pepper. Yeah I will admit…a Mcflurry too. I eat like a trucker sometimes, I know. My Mom will be so ashamed, but some people call this binging. This to me, was a Thursday.

But, if impulse control is something you can learn, and get better at. I am so in. There is hope. I mean I have always said that I could lose weight if I wanted it bad enough, but I believe that about everything. I also felt like this was a daunting and unreasonable task. Almost like the guy who painted himself in the corner. How am I going to all of a sudden turn this around? Also daunting is the idea of always having to think about my weight, the everyday of it. I mean can you believe that I have to think about what I am going to eat all the time. If I don’t get enough, low blood sugar. If I get too much, I get fatter. It is a constant struggle. I am going to continue this for 30 or more years? Are you kidding me, everyday writing stuff down, watching my skinny friends eat fudge while I trudge by with my Weight Watchers snacks and carrots that are “so good they taste like candy”. Oh, not so much. So these were my internal thoughts for the longest time. Then I read about impulse control. It seems so simple that I don’t know why I am 32 years old and only hearing about it now. Not only is it empowering, there is hope it could get easier. I can learn it, and flex it, and work it like a muscle and then it gets easier. The article said not just for losing weight but other things like spending or just making good decisions. Impulse control. I can control my impulse for chocolate or those super soft sweet gumdrops from the bin at Winco? Not only can I do it myself, I can make it easier on myself the more I do it. So the more I turn down chocolate the easier it will be next time? Okay, so I am not entirely buying it but I am willing to explore it.

Today I went to work and found out they were going to buy me lunch for my good attendance. I was excited and then I remembered that I am trying to eat healthy. Well that kind of sucked the air out of my excitement. We are going to this fancy restaurant with menu items like French meatloaf, and turkey pot pie with a fattening delicious crust, and blue cheese bacon burgers with really fresh French fries. I have a weakness for potatoes. If I get full diabetes, it will be because I eat way too many potatoes especially in the French fry form. I didn’t want to go and have all this food to choose from. I didn’t trust myself. So I am debating what to do, and I mention it to the woman next to me in the cubie at work and she says just go and have water, its worth getting out of work for an extra hour. Boy don’t I know it. So I did that. I just went expecting to have water and just relax and hang out with my coworkers.

Weird thing though. I got there and started looking over the menu. There was one dish that caught my eye. It was the veggie pita. It had roasted vegetables, with red pepper aioli which means mayo but only a tablespoon, a pita and feta. I was shocked that there was something so simple that I knew it was healthy, and I thought, I don’t know if this is good but I could try it. I love feta, of course because it’s kind of fattening, and I liked all the vegetables. It was delicious. It was so yummy that I didn’t even wish I had someone else’s plate. I am so glad that I went and I felt so proud of myself afterwards. I had to write it down, because this impulse control thing I am starting to believe. If I hadn’t been so good all week, I might have gone for the bacon burger with warm fries. I really wanted beefy goodness and that was my first reflex. However, I didn’t want to cheat myself. I just wanted to eat something healthy. So I made a good choice, and I felt good and secure about it. So the impulse control experiment so far is successful.

extremely personal

When you have a blog, particularly about your health like this one, it can sometimes seem like diary entries. I don’t want this to feel like that, but I want to be me spewing how I feel. Health unfortunately is tied to your emotions much of the time, and especially when you have PCOS. This is the first thing I want to talk about is my PCOS, Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome, which is what has been plaguing me lately. When the first doctor told me I had PCOS, they made it sound like it is no big deal, PCOS meh, all you have to do is lose weight. Each subsequent doctor has done the same thing. The only thing you need to do is lose weight. Lose weight. That’s all I have been told over and over. Well Duh.
Here are the things that should have been said before I was almost 300 pounds. PCOS is severe in the way it WILL lead to both diabetes and heart disease if you don’t get it under control. There pretty much is a certainty to it. The other thing you should know is that PCOS makes it extremely hard to lose weight. Because you are insulin resistance losing weight is not only the uphill battle it normally is, it leaves you without shoes in 10 feet of snow. The last and final thing PCOS does, and this is the most important thing someone should have explained to the younger me, is that your period will come and go as if it owns your body. It will stay away for a couple of years or it will sit with you for months on end. Usually when it does stay with you it is so heavy you want to pass out every time you go to the rest room. You will have so many pelvic exams it will feel as if you should charge admission.
All of that is really getting to me. So this is where I am at health wise. Aunt Irma has come and visited likes she owns my body for a little over 6 months, more on than off. I am quitting smoking so that puts me slightly on edge as well. I have cried everyday the past two weeks except today, and the day is still young. One day this week, I cried from the moment I woke up until I went to bed. I know that sounds crazy. Literally crazy. I get that. Which is why I have consented to go on antidepressants. I feel weak and it is totally against my nature to do this, but I have before and it helped. My doctor pretty much insisted, could be because I cried the entire visit to her office. I cry and don’t understand why I am crying. I don’t want to leave the bed in the morning. I actually stayed home from work two days this week. I guess I am literally depressed. Think doctors, all I need to do is lose weight, good luck with that when dragging your ass out of bed as a physical activity seems impossible.
Believe it or not this happens once or twice a year for me. I have a wonderful life, don’t get me wrong. I have a wonderful husband, good paying job, own my own home, and family and friends. Problem is and I believe that this is the problem for a lot of the women in my family, I grew up in a culture of self sacrifice. My family grew from an Oklahoma misnomer of toughness. You don’t ask for help because that means that you can’t handle the weight of what you are dealing with. You don’t want to be needy. I don’t want to be needy. I don’t want to seem like I need anything. So, if I do get up the guts to ask for help it usually is a plea horribly worded and not at all clear. I usually mask it in something that seems smaller than it is, so no one understand. Then…it is even worse if I ask for help and then don’t get it. I become unmerciful, as if it is the friend/families fault they can’t give it, when in reality, I have probably surrounded myself with people who can’t give help, or don’t realize I need it. So this is the reason I have yelled at and pushed away everyone who loves me right now except my husband. And he is unbelievably patient and kind. Here is are two tips to take away:

1. if you have alienated everyone, maybe you should look at yourself.
2. When someone is upset, please don’t invalidate that by telling them they shouldn’t be upset because that will make it worse, and you may not ever have a chance to tell them they are important to you.
So I am going to take these pills and hopefully this will allow me to be more patient with people, and more importantly myself. I hope that I can repair these relationships and can continue to be healthier.
So far the smoking thing is going well. I have only cheated on myself a couple of times. Some days I go hours without wanting them. I am slowly working toward good health. Once I feel confident in the no smoking, I will start losing weight. Right now we are eating healthy when we can. So things are slowly improving with my willpower. I am working on it. It is hard. This is what I want to get out there to people because I don’t want people to feel inferior because that is what the media and the doctors think. Meh, just lose weight. Meh, just quit smoking. Meh, just make yourself different. It isn’t easy. I consider myself pretty tough. I have lived through tough things, but this feels like a fight for my life.