How’s this gonna work?

Why this time? I am still living in the same place? I still have the same health problems. I still lack self control. I still really love good food and hate sweating. What makes me think I can do this?
I have tried this before, but I am at the end of my rope, or ummm zipper. I am growing out of my pants. If I don’t lose weight, I will have to special order pants! Also I have been really thinking more about impulse control. This is what I think is my main issue. I read recently in a magazine that impulse control is something that you can work, like a muscle and get stronger at controlling your impulses.
I have always considered impulse control to be something inherently wrong with me. I mean my family tree is riddled with overweight people. I have chubby ancestors all over the place. But maybe they just didn’t exercise their impulse control. I’ve always said that I am really good at the milstones, like I am one of the first people in my family to graduate from college. I have a good job, and am in a good relationship. I have accomplished some stuff here, not too shabby, but the little things every day decisions, are gonna kill me, get me evicted, or get my feet cut off because of diabetic infection. I don’t make good spur of the moment decisions. So previously, what I read concerning weight loss has been to remove the temptation. Don’t have the shit in your house. Have lots of healthy food and snacks. Now that works really well for us, for about two weeks, until we are too lazy to go to the grocery store and make that one night mistake of hitting McDonalds and scarfin’ down a double quarter pound with biggie fries and Dr. Pepper. Yeah I will admit…a Mcflurry too. I eat like a trucker sometimes, I know. My mom will be so ashamed. Some people call this binging. This to me, was a Thursday.
But, if impulse control is something you can learn, and get better at, I am so in. There is hope. I mean, I have always said that I could lose weight if I wanted it bad enough; but I believe that about everything. I also felt like this was a daunting and unreasonable task. Almost like the guy who painted himself in the corner. How am I going to all of a sudden turn this around?
Daunting is the idea of always having to think about my weight, the everyday of it. Can you believe that I have to think about what I am going to eat all the time? If I don’t get enough, low blood sugar. If I get too much, I get fatter. It is a constant struggle. I am going to continue this for 30 or more years? Are you kidding me, everyday writing stuff down, watching my skinny friends eat fudge while I trudge by with my Weight Watchers snacks and carrots that are “so good they taste like candy”. Oh, not so much. So these were my internal thoughts for the longest time. Then, I read about impulse control. It seems so simple that I don’t know why I am 32 years old and only hearing about it now. Not only is it empowering, there is hope it could get easier. I can learn it, flex it, and work it like a muscle and then it gets easier.
The article said not just for losing weight but other things like spending or just making good decisions. Impulse control. I can control my impulse for chocolate or those super soft sweet gumdrops from the bin at Winco? Not only can I do it myself, I can make it easier on myself the more I do it. So the more I turn down chocolate the easier it will be next time? Okay, so I am not entirely buying it but I am willing to explore it.
Today I went to work and found out they were going to buy me lunch for my good attendance. I was excited and then I remembered that I am trying to eat healthy. Well, that kind of sucked the air out of my excitement. We were going to this fancy restaurant with menu items like French meatloaf, and turkey pot pie with a fattening delicious crust, and blue cheese bacon burgers with really fresh French fries. I have a weakness for potatoes. If I get full diabetes, it will be because I eat way too many potatoes especially in the French fry form. I didn’t want to go and have all this food to choose from. I didn’t trust myself.
So I wasn’t going to go, until one of my coworkers pointed out I get out of answering the phones for an hour. She says, “just drink water.”So I did that. I just went expecting to have water and just relax and hang out with my coworkers.
Weird thing though. I got there and started looking over the menu. There was one dish that caught my eye. It was the veggie pita. It had roasted vegetables, with red pepper aioli which means mayo but only a tablespoon, a pita and feta. I was shocked that there was something so simple that I knew it was healthy, and I thought, I don’t know if this is good but I could try it. I love feta, of course because it’s kind of fattening, and I liked all the vegetables. It was delicious. It was so yummy that I didn’t even wish I had someone else’s plate. I am so glad that I went and I felt so proud of myself afterwards. I had to write it down, because of this impulse control thing I am starting to believe. If I hadn’t been so good all week, I might have gone for the bacon burger with warm fries. I really wanted beefy goodness and that was my first reflex. However, I didn’t want to cheat myself. I just wanted to eat something healthy. So I made a good choice, and I felt good and secure about it. So the impulse control experiment so far is successful.

Rewiring my Neural Code

Okay so I love freezing cold water. My work has gotten a new ice machine, what a blessing. I have been doing fantastic with my water. I have a big jug at work that I am refilling, which is getting my butt out of my chair at work randomly! I have been gobbling ice water down. It could be the weather here has been intermittently 100+ and every fat person knows that is the time we hunker down by the air conditioning and hug our fan. I have been having some health problems. My cycles are really messed up. I have had massive cramps for the past couple of weeks. It has left me doubled up on the couch and taking pain pills. If you don’t know what this is like, let me say that heat and pain and work don’t feel good at all. Nor do they make you want to write or be productive at all. So I haven’t updated this blog, but here is what I am working on now.
Think differently. This is my challenge this week. I am just now this week trying to change the way I look at food. As a child, my family didn’t have a lot of money. So when we did something right, going out was a treat. So when I am upset, happy, get good news, bad news, whatever, I want to eat out. This is what I equate to treating myself. My fiancé has the same problem, so together we self medicate with all the wrong things. Sometimes I eat a quarter pounder because his ass has had a bad day. You can see how this can get a little out of hand. I mean seriously, how many times can “Oh, you’ve had a bad day-want taco’s?” work?
Together we have been discussing how fast food has made us feel. After a week of eating healthy food, I went out and got fast food. I had such stomach pain. Brad and I have so many health problems connected to our weight, and I am just beginning to understand why we do it. It is this misguided idea that if someone else prepared our food it is a treat. The new rule is -only if it is Giada, the Barefoot Contessa, or maybe Oprah’s chef. That would be special.
The funny thing is some of my favorite foods are really good for you, but I don’t turn to them. For instance, when I have a bad day, why don’t I say, man, I deserve my favorite Brussels sprouts? If I had to choose a last meal it would be my Grandmothers Brussels sprouts, my Mom’s pork chops with mushroom gravy, or Aunt Nicole’s avocado salad. I mean, none of my favorite foods are fast foods.
I have decided I am not going to settle for fast. This is what I am finding stinks about me. I suck at taking care of me. I really do, and sadly Brad and I suck at taking care of each other. We need to slow down and really start taking steps to do that. One of my favorite kitchen experiences I enjoyed a couple of months ago. We went to the farmers market and bought four different kinds of mushrooms, some white wine, and some Arborio rice. We then brought it all home and sat all the ingredients out on the counter. We slowly chopped the individual mushrooms while Brad told me what the mushroom guy said about each one, because I forget, and it was fun to anticipate what they would feel like in our mouths, and how each one would taste different from the other. Then we slowly took turns stirring the stock into the rice and the wine slowly soaked into the little individual rice beads, and I found that I knew what was happening. I had a sixth sense about it. I could tell when it needed liquid and when it was done. We touched each other in the kitchen. He hugged me: I patted him. We kissed between chopping. We talked between kissing. Just one elegant dish and when we got done, we felt accomplished. We felt brave, and we felt really together. I can tell you what we did not do: run to the bathroom in pain or giggle because we farted. We didn’t wolf it down because that is what you have to do with fast food– eat it like you’re drunk and need to soak up the +alcohol.
I don’t know why I can’t see this on a more day to day level. Why do my choices not jive with how I really feel and what will make me feel good? I need to know how I can remind myself daily that cooking for myself is a treat. It is a celebration of Brad and what I deserve. I need to be really good to me, like putting on a clay mask, giving myself a pedicure or taking a bath. These are all special things I take time to do for myself. So this is what I am working on.

Small Changes

When making changes to your life, “they” say you should make small changes a little at a time to make permanent changes you can keep throughout your life. So that is what I am going to do, slowly change my life so that I can be a healthier happier me. By “they,” I of course mean the media, all forms of media. Pop small changes in any search engine and you will see what I mean. So this is the first advice I am going to follow. I am going to start with the smallest change=water.
Now the advice on water is unbelievably extensive. Here are only a few of the things I have read.
1. You should drink 8 glasses of water a day
2. You should drink cold water so that your body has to burn calories to warm it up.
3. You should drink hot water so that you can then drink the cold and then shock your system and burn more calories heating it up.
4. Tepid water is best.
5. Part of the water should come from your diet. Fruits should be consumed for their water value like watermelon, cantaloupe, and grapes.
6. Mayo clinic and the institute of medicine says for women 2.2 liters (9 cups)
7. Other sources say you don’t have to have so much water
There are many more pieces of advice on water consumption. I am going old school with eight glasses day and try for the Mayo clinic’s recommendation. I have already been trying this week. You would think this piece of advice would be the easiest to follow. It is the only one not based in restricting yourself. However, it is harder than it sounds. I only drank a liter of water, a glass of milk and a cup of tea. So I got kind of close. It is hard to remember when you are tethered to a computer for 8 hours. Today I am going to bring a jug. I am going to work on remembering. I don’t like tepid water. I don’t really believe that cold water burns calories, but I just like it better. I also like hot tea so just in case I will drink both hot tea and ice water.

Does anyone know any other advice out there on water?