Eating the All of the Marrow, is just a proverbial term

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Me and my beautiful friend

One of my really amazing friends got married. I admire this friend and feel a kindred spirit in her. She is the embodiment of the way I strive to live. At the wedding someone described her as pure joy, and that isn’t an understatement. I know that she gets upset especially about the environment, but it is more like passion. Every other encounter I have had with her I have reveled in her enjoyment of life, one of those eating all the marrow people. When she is in town, I jump at a chance to see her, even if it is in a crowded room full of people I don’t know. So I went to the bachelorette party, the meet and greet, and the wedding. This wedding was a fancy deal!

I had been doing well on my diet and the no smoking. I am becoming quite the loyal vapor. So far since my doctor’s appointment up until the Sunday before the wedding I had lost twelve pounds. That is in a month’s time. I was extremely proud of myself, so I wanted to be careful.

I was really good at the bachelorette party. I didn’t eat anything I wasn’t supposed to and had only one martini, the same for the meet and greet. The wedding was another story. I kept saying that this qualifies as a “special occasion.” Basically, I was saying I can do what I want for one night.

Oh, and I did. I really put one on. I will spare you the details but I had sushi, potatoes and something like seven martinis. I even had a little cake and a tiny apple turnover. Regardless of the fact that sort of threw up it all later, when I weighed in Sunday I had gained six pounds. Along with my tremendous hang over, I was really depressed with myself.

Here is the thing– I didn’t even enjoy my drunkenness. I don’t know why but I felt normal up until the seventh martini. I felt absolutely normal, and then I didn’t. So, I don’t think drinking is a good idea because of that. To be honest, I don’t drink that much anymore. So this really isn’t going to be much of a strain. The carbs is my struggle, and I don’t think the cheat was worth it. I had some California rolls, a potato, and a little cake. Was that worth 6 pounds?

I am fully aware that I can have fun without it. I had only one martini at both the bachelorette and the meet and greet and was still the “life of the party.” I danced and I told jokes and I really enjoyed myself. I think I had more fun then, than even at the wedding. So I don’t need to drink or cheat to have fun. Lesson learned.

The adage “being skinny is more fun that the current bite” is annoying, entirely cliché and trite. The saying bugs me, as if you can’t have both. I know skinny people that eat like pigs. I know people who have weight problems who only eat very small amounts of the worst foods imaginable and have been able to lose weight. I can’t do that. I can’t make a donut last all day. I can pick and choose what is worth it.

I am confident now. Like trying a cigarette after a month of not smoking, I have realized it stinks and tastes nasty. Now, that isn’t to say I am not going to eat a chocolate cupcake from Starbucks every once in a GREAT while. I am dreaming about my birthday next month where most likely my aunt will bake me a cake. If you knew my aunt, there isn’t one of you who wouldn’t be dreaming about it. What I am saying is that I understand my will power a little better now. I get that I can pick and choose the days that I will forgive carbs, but those days will be less than they used to be. I guess I am just proud that for the for once in my life, losing the weight is more important.

 

When I want it more than I want health?

I have been dreading this -telling you I started smoking again. I quit already but I am still ashamed. I feel like I have let all my family and friends and readers down. I can only say, I wanted a cigarette and I got one. That is usually how it always happens. There is no trick to it, it is an addiction. It is particularly silly in my case because I started during vacation to Vancouver.

We drove from Boise, Idaho to Vancouver B.C. and I didn’t smoke. Road trips for me were always smoking and junk food and singing, so this was impressive. My first road trip and I made it ten hours with not one smoke. So then we get to Vancouver and check in and relax our first day, but then the second day we have to drive from the hotel to the convention we are going to and my husband is being a pill. It is not his fault; it was culture shock driving in a big city. Also, we didn’t have an Atlas, so we were relying on our mobile devices for directions. We were in the tiny Kia Rio, and my husband has my cell phone with the cashed directions and he keeps hitting a button and erasing them. He then has to hand the phone to me so I can get them back. At one point we had to pull over to the Starbucks so I could look them up again. I was driving which always causes him some stress because I can drive pretty fast and will flip my tiny car on a dime. What I didn’t realize because I always looked up Google maps and MapQuest at home is that there are no landmarks in between to let you know how close or far away your next turn is. This provides a lot of anxiety in a huge, unknown to us, city. We kept saying to each other, is that it? or do I turn here? It was stressful, and to add to that stress my husband kept reminding me we could have taken public transport. He was also doing the other annoying things he does when I drive like telling me to slow down, making fun of me for keeping my signal on when I am not turning anymore, and making those noises that shows he is scared like AHHHH. Finally after twenty minutes of this, I pulled over and bought a pack of cigarettes.

Not an excuse, that is just how it happened, but I continued to smoke through vacation and even after I got home a little. What do you know, I got sick. My bronchial stuff is back and I had to go to the doc and I was out of work. I think there is a pretty strong correlation now, but it doesn’t stop the cravings.

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The meds to get over Bronchitis…how dumb is my addiction.

The other day I was on the way to the doctor after being sick for a week. I was so tired my husband decided to drive me. It was a morning appointment and I had just woken up. In the car, I just wanted a cigarette, and I did that ghetto thing no one admits to doing. I searched the ashtray for a butt. I found a really nice long one and lit it up. My husband is not usually one who gets upset. My friends they joke that one day Brad is just going to throw his hands up and cuss me out one of these times, but he never yells or cusses or anything to me. When I lit up he looked at me sideways and sighed heavily. I said, “This is my last one promise.”

He replied, “Bullshit.”

This is the harshest thing he has ever said to me. I looked at him and I know my eyes were wide. I didn’t say anything I just kind of stared at him.

He said, “I know that’s not your last one.”

“Are you mad at me?”

“Yeah, kind of.”

“Wanna talk about it?”

“No,” he said and we were already in the parking lot of the doctor so I put my hand on his leg and told him that I was sorry that I was so addicted. He just nodded.

So I went into the doctor’s office. I love my doctor, Dr. Baxter. She is one of the truly great doctors of all time. She helped cure my headaches and I believe she is going to help me get out from under all this medication. I was listing out all my symptoms and she asked me about the smoking. I said, “I am so sorry. I started again, but I quit again, but then I had one recently. My husband is so upset at me, and I am so upset at myself. I am so angry that I started again.”

She agreed that it made sense that I was mad at myself, but then she said that I need to be easier on myself. She said that I had been through a lot with the hormones and my health problems, I have explained them in other blogs here. She said, that if I focus on how I have failed, all I will want to do is smoke. She said that I need to focus on all the good things that I have done, because that will make me feel better and more capable to quit.

I walked out of the doctor’s office and as soon as we got in the car I put out my bottom lip and told Brad, “Brad the doctor said you had to be nice to me, because I have been through a lot! And if I focus on all my mistakes all I will want to do is smoke.”

Brad smiled and shook his head and reached over to pull me near him. He said, “Yeah, you have, you are right.” He nuzzled my neck and kissed me, and then we drove away.

So I think the take away is that I need to focus on what I have done right. I am cheating every once in a while, but I am not smoking as much, and I have lost 13 pounds so far! These are the good things. This isn’t to say that I am not going to feel the defeat of it, or the regret, I am just not going to sit there and soak up the defeat and regret. I am going to feel it, and then remind myself how to get out of it. Remind myself I can do this because I have done it before. I have accomplished steps to take my health back.

While I am sick this week, I can’t help but think of all the people who support me.

I am amazed at the amount of support I get from my husband, friends, and relatives. I am also extremely grateful. My husband is the most understanding and giving man. He is helping me everyday get one step closer to being healthy. It is so hard when we both have the same weakness. He and I use food to sooth ourselves. This is something that is both good and bad. The bad part is that neither of us says no to the other. I come home from work and I cry and say, “I had a bad day and I want tacos.” He doesn’t say no, and then my bad mood made us both fatter. It also happens the other way around, so we cheat doubly. We have recently realized this together. We have figured out that the way to fix it isn’t going to be saying no to each other, but we are going to have to learn to say no to ourselves. We are striving to have more willpower for each other. Now that we know the problem hopefully we can recognize it when it happens.

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Discussing these things together is one of the ways we are supporting each other. We try to encourage each other, and get to the bottom of how we react to and treat each other and ourselves. It is great to have that openness with each other, and to know that the love of my life loves all my ugly. That’s such a gift.

We support each other in other ways too. Brad and I are taking walks every other day and when we do, we take turns picking out a beautiful place to impress the other. We pick out different recipes we think the other will like.

He has even promised certain “favors” for every week I am no longer smoking. He has never smoked and I think the way he supports my quitting is the best way of all. He never mentioned it. He only said something if I was talking about quitting and then he would affirm that choice, and offer ways of helping me get through. He would go and buy me cessation aids, and hard candy to keep my mouth busy. He bought me e-cigarettes.  When I finally did quit he bought me jewelry rewards. I am a fan of positive reinforcement. It is much better than negative for me. He is one of the best spouses.

However, if you don’t have a spouse like Brad, maybe you can talk to him/her to tell them how important this goal is to you. My suggestion I have is to explain to them that you will love them even more when you accomplish that goal because of how supportive they are. If that doesn’t work, maybe you can seek counseling to get them used to the new ambitious you. Sometimes it is hard when people change. I know. Brad is going to school for computer forensics and he is learning things way over my head. At first I worried we wouldn’t have much to talk about, and that he wouldn’t have time for me. This is as far as it went for me, because I realized that I can still participate in the conversation even if I don’t understand. Like my 7th grade English Teacher said about her husband the Science teacher, “Do you think I care about fossils, no, no I don’t, but I smile and nod.”

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Another source of support I have is my friends and family. My best friend Christine offers to walk with me, and go to the farmers market with me. This is the best kind of non- confrontational support. Keep in mind, Christine has always been pretty skinny.  I have been friends with Christine for over @!?(@#$ years, since high school, and never has she ever come to me and called me fat, or taken me to weight watchers and dropped me off. However, Christine subtly asks me to do things that are active. She is always giving me good recipes and talking to me how she is losing weight and running. At first I was worried she was trying to tell me how to lose weight, but no she was just confiding in me. She is very supportive without being judgmental.

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My sister Katie is in Oklahoma so we can’t really work out together or cook recipes. However, we talk at least once a week on the phone, discussing what we ate this week. Sharing the good recipes and laughing about the bad ones. We also share our failures. This is so nice to have someone who understands what you are going through, and never makes you feel bad when you fail. Actually Katie and I help each other by listing for each other our accomplishments. I call Katie and tell her I just inhaled half a pizza last night, and I am crying because I feel like I have failed myself, my family, and Brad. (I get pretty melodramatic.) She then reminds me of the healthy meals I have eaten the past two days, how I quit smoking, and how I am walking. She builds me up so that I can forget about my mistakes and get back on the program.

You know what is so cool though. I get support even from people I just meet. I was at a convention in Vancouver BC for Stargate the now extinct TV show. I am a geek and proud. I met a new friend named Debbie, and in no time we were talking about our struggles quitting smoking, losing weight, and other health difficulties. It is so nice knowing that other people are out there having the same problems I am. Not that I want other people to hurt like I am, but because it makes me feel like I am not a failure. It makes me see that other people have problems like this every day. My problems are not insurmountable and they aren’t the end of my existence.

I encourage everyone I know to reach out to your loved ones for support. Sometimes they don’t know how to be supportive. I try to remember that people have good intentions. When they are suggesting surgery or a new diet out of the blue it can be jarring. It makes me feel like they are saying; you are broken and I am not, let me fix you. It can be really hurtful. However, I try and remember that my loved ones and even casual acquaintances don’t have degrees in psychology. Not that that always guarantees a helpful response but I had to learn to ask for the help that I need and how I need it.

Other free places you can find support if you can’t get any from family or friends:

Over eaters Anonymous– http://www.oa.org/

For quitting smoking — http://www.smokefree.gov/

Because depression is such a personal issue I am including a web site from the Mayo Clinic that helps you figure out how to find support http://www.mayoclinic.com/health/support-groups/MH00002

I believe everyone deserves support. If you don’t find what you need, I am always here to answer questions or just listen, just email me at ishappinessspoonfed@gmail.com

 

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All photos for this post were taken by

Wendi Yvonne Photography

status update

Antidepressants
I started the antidepressants last Monday. They say that it will take a month for me to fully feel the results, but I can tell you that it has been a trial getting through this week. The first part of the week I was tired, so much that by the evening when I talked it sounded like I was drunk. It made me extremely drowsy. My mind felt like it was swimming through soup to get anything accomplished, but my body is getting used to it so about Wednesday I started to feel better, more aware. However, I still am having trouble getting out of bed. I slept almost 9 hours last night and didn’t want to wake when I finally did. I think they are slightly affecting my appetite. There is a bonus. I am not eating as much. I have felt this past week that my mouth was smaller than usual. Weird right. Also if I over indulge it makes me feel like throwing up. I will say this is the biggest plus from that: I haven’t cried once.

Smoking
No smoking is going pretty good. I have only been smoking about 3 smokes a week. I don’t know why I am even doing that. I am starting to hate this smell, which I think is common to all reformed smokers so that is making me feel confident in my ability to finally quit. I know there are so many benefits to quitting. My Doctor said my circulation will get better, I will have less ear infections, I won’t stink, I will breathe better, and my husband will be really happy! He thinks that the antidepressants are the key to me finally quitting for good. That is probably helpful, as I have said before, I have tried almost everything. I am at the point were I have no choice. I have backed myself in a corner on purpose. I have told all my family and friends. I have showed confidence, and I am determined. It is a slow process.

Eating
I am still in the no smoking part of my get healthy project, which I am giving myself time and patience for, but my husband and I were talking about food last night. We have decided to start looking for ways to get out 5-9 fruits and veggies everyday. We decided rather than start with restricting each other since I am quitting smoking, we will try and add more nutrients to our diet. It might make a fun little game. I also have a goal of looking for other protein resources other than animal proteins because I seriously need them. Especially in my snacks through out the day. Anyone have any ideas?

extremely personal

When you have a blog, particularly about your health like this one, it can sometimes seem like diary entries. I don’t want this to feel like that, but I want to be me spewing how I feel. Health unfortunately is tied to your emotions much of the time, and especially when you have PCOS. This is the first thing I want to talk about is my PCOS, Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome, which is what has been plaguing me lately. When the first doctor told me I had PCOS, they made it sound like it is no big deal, PCOS meh, all you have to do is lose weight. Each subsequent doctor has done the same thing. The only thing you need to do is lose weight. Lose weight. That’s all I have been told over and over. Well Duh.
Here are the things that should have been said before I was almost 300 pounds. PCOS is severe in the way it WILL lead to both diabetes and heart disease if you don’t get it under control. There pretty much is a certainty to it. The other thing you should know is that PCOS makes it extremely hard to lose weight. Because you are insulin resistance losing weight is not only the uphill battle it normally is, it leaves you without shoes in 10 feet of snow. The last and final thing PCOS does, and this is the most important thing someone should have explained to the younger me, is that your period will come and go as if it owns your body. It will stay away for a couple of years or it will sit with you for months on end. Usually when it does stay with you it is so heavy you want to pass out every time you go to the rest room. You will have so many pelvic exams it will feel as if you should charge admission.
All of that is really getting to me. So this is where I am at health wise. Aunt Irma has come and visited likes she owns my body for a little over 6 months, more on than off. I am quitting smoking so that puts me slightly on edge as well. I have cried everyday the past two weeks except today, and the day is still young. One day this week, I cried from the moment I woke up until I went to bed. I know that sounds crazy. Literally crazy. I get that. Which is why I have consented to go on antidepressants. I feel weak and it is totally against my nature to do this, but I have before and it helped. My doctor pretty much insisted, could be because I cried the entire visit to her office. I cry and don’t understand why I am crying. I don’t want to leave the bed in the morning. I actually stayed home from work two days this week. I guess I am literally depressed. Think doctors, all I need to do is lose weight, good luck with that when dragging your ass out of bed as a physical activity seems impossible.
Believe it or not this happens once or twice a year for me. I have a wonderful life, don’t get me wrong. I have a wonderful husband, good paying job, own my own home, and family and friends. Problem is and I believe that this is the problem for a lot of the women in my family, I grew up in a culture of self sacrifice. My family grew from an Oklahoma misnomer of toughness. You don’t ask for help because that means that you can’t handle the weight of what you are dealing with. You don’t want to be needy. I don’t want to be needy. I don’t want to seem like I need anything. So, if I do get up the guts to ask for help it usually is a plea horribly worded and not at all clear. I usually mask it in something that seems smaller than it is, so no one understand. Then…it is even worse if I ask for help and then don’t get it. I become unmerciful, as if it is the friend/families fault they can’t give it, when in reality, I have probably surrounded myself with people who can’t give help, or don’t realize I need it. So this is the reason I have yelled at and pushed away everyone who loves me right now except my husband. And he is unbelievably patient and kind. Here is are two tips to take away:

1. if you have alienated everyone, maybe you should look at yourself.
2. When someone is upset, please don’t invalidate that by telling them they shouldn’t be upset because that will make it worse, and you may not ever have a chance to tell them they are important to you.
So I am going to take these pills and hopefully this will allow me to be more patient with people, and more importantly myself. I hope that I can repair these relationships and can continue to be healthier.
So far the smoking thing is going well. I have only cheated on myself a couple of times. Some days I go hours without wanting them. I am slowly working toward good health. Once I feel confident in the no smoking, I will start losing weight. Right now we are eating healthy when we can. So things are slowly improving with my willpower. I am working on it. It is hard. This is what I want to get out there to people because I don’t want people to feel inferior because that is what the media and the doctors think. Meh, just lose weight. Meh, just quit smoking. Meh, just make yourself different. It isn’t easy. I consider myself pretty tough. I have lived through tough things, but this feels like a fight for my life.

Cheating

Okay so I came to a realization that no matter how simple it seems was really hard to swallow: I smoke whenever I damn well please.
This Saturday night was one of those magical Saturday nights when a married woman puts on heels and wears a tiny purse and feels pretty. It was my best friends birthday and that was her plan all along. I was so excited and the night really didn’t disappoint. We went to this restaurant here in Boise called Barbacoa. It is an extravagantly decorated dim restaurant with actual paintings on the wall and sculptures over the tables. We sat next to a glamorous fireplace under a massive chandelier that looked like meringue. They make the best guacamole at your table, and martini’s in glasses made of ice. This was fancy. Great food, great atmosphere, and great conversation.
I smoked. Yep. I mean real cigarettes. I smoked a lot that night. I mooched off my friends. We were outside enjoying a smoke together and my friend said, “I thought you weren’t smoking anymore.”
I replied, “Oh, I am drinking, I am going to smoke when I drink, or maybe it is because it is the weekend or maybe it is because…”
I stopped and thought about it, then I said, “I guess that means I just want too. I am smoking because I want to.”
Both of my smoking friends just nodded at me and took puffs off their own, but it really hit me. It is me who makes that decision, not the smokes, not the stress, and definitely not the people who piss me off. Although it may feel like that a lot, I am the only one who makes the decision to smoke or to puff on my electronic smoke or to not at all. I think I made a small break through. It may seem simple, like I should have realized this before, but I don’t think addiction is anything simple. I would tell myself anything to be able to smoke with my girls that night, it it wasn’t about the friendship either. I had my electronic smoke on me. I just wanted a flipping smoke. I smoked it. It is all me. I just have to sit with that for a while and let this new realization sink into my thick skull.

Quitting Smoking is hard!

I don’t know what the deal is, but I think I may have finally tricked myself into quitting smoking. I think that alot of stopping an addiction feels like you are fixing your dodge dart with a rubberband and a wire hanger. Meaning that it feels like quitting is only temporary. You have to go through the pain of quitting everyday. Everyday you have to remind yourself, “I don’t smoke, overeat, shoot heroin…etc.” I wake up and think I am going to smoke, then say to myself I don’t smoke anymore. It is an EVERYDAY thing, sometimes several times a day.
So you are asking, how do you trick yourself into quitting smoking? Well here is what I did. I made a deal with my family that I would quit smoking on my nephews birthday. My nephew is an unbelievable source of hope for my family. My parents are giddy pools of joy when he is around. My siblings and I have made plans for his entire life before he was born…this is how excited we were for his arrival. This baby is like my families hope for a brighter future, no pressure cute kid. So when my Dad said he was quitting soda on Calebs birthday, I opened my big mouth and said I would quit smoking. Not only that, my pushy self pushed other people in my family into it. My little sister quit chips and my husband quit soda. So there I am on Calebs birthday having to quit because of my big fat mouth. I have tried the patch it gave me a rash. I tried the gum and it aggrivated my TMJ. I tried smoke away and ended up throwing up in the hospital, not entirely sure it was smoke aways fault but you know how that is. I tried the ones you suck on and I got the hiccups. That is when I found out from Ol’ Doc Gage that I was allergic to Nicotine… Yeah sit with that for a minute.
So this time I was going to try Chantix. So my nephews birthday was Tuesday. Monday I called my Doctor. The Doctor called in a perscription and that is when I found out that Chantix was 200.00 and that was just for one month. Why insurance doesn’t pay for it, I will never understand. So I was screwed. I was going to have to quit cold turkey. I really was going to do it. It means that much to me to not be embarrassed after shooting off my mouth. I knew it would. However, Tuesday came. I made it two-three hours at work before I bummed a smoke. Then I told my boss I was trying to quit. She said, “You should try the fake cigarettes.” I had no idea what they were. She showed me hers and I was amazed. So by the time lunch rolled around my husband had brought me a pack of them. I am so excited because it is working. These are the benefits of the ecigarette, as I see them. I mean I am not promising it will work like this for everyone. I don’t feel the anxiety I always did when quitting smoking. I felt the anxiety before even trying. Like the day before quitting smoking I would be sitting there smoking and in a bad mood. People would ask me what’s wrong, and I would say, I am quitting smoking. I mean the anxiety is aweful. Now, I know I have Nicotine coming whenever I want. Which I know isn’t good for me either, but it is better than tobacco. Also my fiance likes to remind me of the other “crap” they like to put in cigarettes. The thing that is really awesome is I am not puffing on this ecigarette as much as I did the regular ones. I am slightly lazy. So I will be watching tv and think I want a smoke. Then I will look over and the smokes are on the table…and I will think “its all the way over there…” Then before I know it I have gone all evening without a smoke. Also, the same thing happens when I am busy. I can work though it. So I am really only inhaling this ecigarette two – three times a day. Now I am not smoking it inside like they say. I don’t want it to be that easy. I don’t want to create new habits. I just feel like it has been a tiny metal security blanket. For the first time I have hope, and maybe that is what is working so well for me. Hope. Just like little baby nephew, esmokes are giving me hope and that may be half the battle. Not tricking myself, but rather having hope that I am strong enough but smart enough to accept the help.